Let me just say how amazing my birthday was. Holy CRAP it was a lot of fun. So many people came out. I found myself taking moments to step aside and really see this group of people for what it was... People from all walks of my life, from so many different time periods, coming together JUST for me. (and maybe free beer) There were a few people that didn't show for various reasons, but that is totally ok. They were there in spirit. There was one person who wasn't there for the first time in 7 years... i'm not going to get all down about this, but i will say that it bothered me that i didn't even get a phone call or email, and that is all the time i care to spend on that subject.
It's taken me almost a week to post about my bday because i've been locked in some pretty deep thought about a myriad of different subjects. Relationships, job, living situation, money, location, health, family, motivation...etc. It feels very overwhelming. I suppose i've been doing this since early this year, but it seems like it hit me pretty hard over the past week. I definitely had the thought of "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" over and over.
The answer, and this came as a shock to me even though it's the most basic "correct" answer ever, and should already have slapped me in the face... is:
'You are currently picking up the useful pieces of your recently failed life, leaving the crappy stuff behind, and beginning the process of making your new life."
Now, like i said, this should be a huge no brainer. I mean, of COURSE that's what i'm doing. I've even said this here in my blog a few times. how the hell did this come as such a slap in the face this past week? i mean, i already knew this...
or did i?
The fact of the matter is, No.. i did NOT "know" this. i wasn't working on anything. i wasn't "doing the next right thing". i may have thought i was, said i was, and acted in public that i was. if i look at my actions for the past 6 months or so i can clearly see that i wasn't. I mean, i got a job right away, found a place right away, and then.... stopped. i stopped working on myself, stopped trying to get my own place, stopped caring about making any more money than exactly the amount i needed to get by. i now believe that in the back of my head i truely believed that i was going to get back with the ex, and retain my old life. i believed that "this is just a phase, and it's going to go back to how it was in just a little bit". this is the furthest thing from the truth and what i really need to be thinking.
So now i'm in this frame of mind where i don't want the question of "what are you doing with your life" to exactly leave, but to stay and grow. I'm tired of asking myself "what are you going to do today? you've got x number of hours to kill, what can you do that doesn't involve trouble?" don't get me wrong, i'm still gonna have my dark days. i always have. i'm still gonna eat dinners alone and sit in parks all by myself. i don't think that'll ever change, and these things will still continue to bum me out. but i'm starting to think that i need to bum myself out every now and then so that the other times are that much better.
At my birthday party, i found myself asking myself how i could always feel so utterly alone when i have so many people in my life that love me for me and WANT to be in my life? i suppose the answer is just two words....My Focus.
So now begins a new focus. not exactly sure what that means, but it sure sounds right.
