Almost There

So the past week or so has been a little hectic and also a bit soothing. At first I was getting bummed out on money issues, but then something in me flipped a switch and I came to a conclusion. I am ALWAYS going to have crappy money issues and I just need to roll with it. Stressing out doesn't do me any good and I just end up putting myself in a bad mood for days on end. Hopefully I can keep this in my head for a while.

My old phone got shut off, and it needed to. It was a final step in leaving an aspect of my "old life". The new phone is fun, and after almost two weeks of beautiful silence it was refreshing to have a new one. It also helped me not be so bummed about...

My laptop is kinda fried. It's stuck in a reboot cycle I can't seem to get out of. Gonna work on that in the next few days to see if I can get it working again. I really enjoyed having it, so I was pretty bummed when it took a shit on me. So far the thing has been nothing but problems, but the good parts about it outweigh the bad so I guess I'm not too bummed. Like I said, the new phone is helping me not be as bummed.

I was also having a string of bike problems. The great thing about riding a track bike is that it is very minimalistic. The bad thing is that it's so minimalistic that if just one part breaks, the whole bike is rendered useless. No bueno. Oh well. It's better than paying for a new starter, engine, etc. I suppose it's really just a first world problem.

I also decided to go against something I said in a previous blog. I suppose I'm going to actually do something for my birthday. I wanted to be the grumpy depressed guy this winter, but something in me is fighting in. Maybe my subconscious is trying to take over and get me though things. It would make sense. So I'm having a party at my place on my birthday night after work. It'll be nice to be around a lot of friends and NOT be out at a bar or something.

Still not feeling Christmas tho. I'm perfectly ok with this. I haven't really liked this holiday in almost 15 years. Quite a few things have helped seal the deal on that one in that time as well. The holiday just isn't what it was when I was younger, and it seems like it never will be again. I could go into a long rant about how I'm not religious, or I hate being a consumer whore, or a myriad of other reasons why I don't like it, but the fact of the matter is that the main reason is it just makes me sad, and makes me feel like an utter failure at the same time. Not a good combo.

With it being so slow at the shop lately, I don't really see how I'm going to be able to save enough money to move to PDX by Jan. Unless something really awesome happens, it's probably gonna be a bit longer. I do see myself getting up there for a visit in the next month. Hopefully just staying positive about the move will help generate good karma and make things happen.

 Since the only people who really read this blog are from my FB page, if you need my new number just send me a message and I'll get back to you. In fact, I think I'll just put it on my FB info page. yeah... there we go.

OK kids, until next time.

Keys

My Mom once told me that you could tell how much responsibility someone has by how many keys they have on their key chain. That stuck with me my whole life, and it's totally been true for me. Before all this change happened in my life, I was actually complaining on how many keys I had. It was uncomfortable having them in my pocket. As of right now, I have 3 keys. Two of which are bike lock keys, and one house key. For some reason this really bothers me. It's just a constant reminder of all that has gone south in my life over the past year. While I'll admit that things have slowly gotten a little better, I know that I won't feel on top of things until my key chain gets a few more keys hanging off of it. Things that need to happen to change this are 1) working at the shop long enough to get keys and 2) getting my own apartment. Both of these things are so up in the air right now, and that leads me into the next part of this blog...


Some of you know about this already, most others do not. Things aren't set in stone yet, but they are plans that I would like to see happen...

After the first of the year, I want to move to Portland, Oregon.

I've spent all of my life living in California, minus a few years here and there living in Texas. The two places I've spent most of my time in are the Bay Area, and Sacramento. I've got amazing friends and family in both areas, and I love them dearly. However, these places are also filled with bad memories. So much so that they actually outweigh the good memories. I would love to be in the bay area and not be reminded of my fathers passing every time I see a place we have been to. I would love to go around sac and not see 2 failed marriages and my mothers passing around every corner. Sac also has other painful memories I'll refrain from bringing up here, but I'm just over the constant reminder.

The past year has brought so much change into my life and I've tried fighting it the whole way through. Recently I've decided to try a new approach and just go with it. If things are gonna change, why not change EVERYTHING? Get a fresh new start. It just sounds like it's the right move. Like I said earlier, it's not set in stone, but it's an eventual goal.

It's not that I hate being here or anything. In fact this is one of the better times I've lived in Sac (lived here 5 different times!!!!). My room mates are awesomely amazing. My friends are super supportive and even when I try to be a hermit and let the dark cloud overtake me, they push their way through it and help lift me up. The shop I'm working at has great people working there and I really enjoy their company while working. Titan likes having a back yard and other dogs around, and probably loves going to parks that don't have a million bums in them like SF did.

I feel like I'm just kinda spinning my wheels out here. I can't seem to get on top of things. I'm feeling like it's because I'm not really giving it the chance it needs because of all the bad feelings I get about being here, things that have happened here, and the reason I'm back here. A full change of pace and scenery would really help out in this aspect. Going somewhere totally new to me just sounds like a great idea. I could be wrong, but there's only one way to find out.

Phone Is Off

For those of you that didn't check FB today, my phone is shut off. I knew it was coming and I had the chance to keep it from being shut off but 1) I didn't have the money and 2) I doubt AT&T would allow me a new account with them since I owe them money from a phone way back when.

Anyway, hopefully I'll have a new number soon. Until then it's gonna be a quiet week.

The Big Update

Well, it's time. Time for the first blog in quite a while. All the proper parameters have been met. Laptop: Check Wireless: Check Proper Inspiration: Check.

So what is going on? Well, as of right now I'm working at Sacramento Tattoo & Piercing, living in Tahoe Park just outside of downtown Sac, and basically scraping by right now. I'm still trying to get out of the hole I dug for myself months ago. It's not easy, it gets me down, and I fucking hate it. The upside to this is I feel like I'm actually coming  out of the hole. In fact, I almost feel out of it.

Being back in sac is kinda weird. I like it, and I hate it at the same time. It's really awesome being around friends I've had for so long, that I know I can count on for those words of wisdom I always seem to get from them. I missed my old hangouts, but they've changed in ways that I know aren't good for me. I love sac, but this isn't really where I feel like I should be right now. No, scratch that. Right NOW I should be in sac. However, in a very short time, I will be moving on. More about that in another blog.

As for the marriage... it's completely over. She doesn't want to work things out, and frankly neither do I. I guess I had some pretty heavy blinders on about our relationship for the past couple of years. As much as I wanted to work things out, the more I was away from her and the more I thought about things, the more I came to the conclusion that we just don't belong together. The real bitch of it is, when I try to think back to where it started to go wrong, I see that it happened even before we got married. That's a hard pill to swallow.

I guess I've grown up thinking that I NEEDED to get married, that I was SUPPOSED to get married. Well, after two failed marriages, I've found that obviously that isn't the case. I could go into a long tangent about how marriage is outdated, and came from a time when people barely lived beyond 40 years, but I'll save that for some other angsty time. However, this doesn't really change my inner need to be connected to someone. Yet another subject for a later date.

I guess the real topper to everything that's going on is that we're in the beginning of the holiday season. It's my most hated part of the year, much like many of you. I used to LOVE this time of year when I was younger. Over the years, I've had nothing but reasons to hate it. Over the past 7 years, I slowly started to like it, mainly because of my mother in law. This year that ended and I see myself just hating this time of year even more. All it reminds me of is loss and failure. This year is packing an extra punch of that. I know that I'll do Thanksgiving with my sister, but that's all I'm committing to. I don't really want to do anything on my birthday, and I want NOTHING to do with xmas. NOTHING. I know this bothers family and friends, but if they truly knew how I felt, they might leave me alone about it.

So here's when most people reading this are saying "Gary, suck it up and move on. Get happy, find a hobby, and pull yourself up."

Well, first things first... it's so EASY to SAY that shit. Doing it is a totally different thing. I can be a very positive person, most people know this. But when things go bad, depression hits like a black blanket of magnificent proportions. It's heavy, it's consuming, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. That said, I seem to have found at least a little bit of a way to shoo it off. I'm trying, believe me. I HATE being like this. Sad fucking sucks.

I've had a few people really help me out lately. Some of them came outta the woodwork, and some have been there for quite a while. In no particular order I'd like to thank Michelle, Chalon, Rochelle, Val, Mel, Benny, Brandon, Jackie, Kheri, Lindsey(x2), Chris, Albie, Loren, Jon, Jimbo, Jalynn, Kelle & Travis, Jeremy,  Stephanie, and whoever else I've forgotten. (i feel like i'm accepting an award)

ok. till next time.

Back In Business!

Hello blog readers. I know it's been quite a while since I've been able to write in here, but I got a laptop a couple days ago so now it's GAME ON!