I haven't been writing here as much as I should. For some reason, for the past month or so I just haven't been able to get all my thoughts together enough to put them in text form. In fact, this morning I was playing ball with Titan at the park and I had all these things running in my head that I really wanted to put in this blog, and now for the life of me I can't seem to get them out. Maybe the reason for that has to do with the dream I had last night. Without going into great detail, I relived the breakup and divorce all in one dream. It was very vivid. Felt real. Woke up in a horrible head space. Luckily Titan was right there and totally on top of the morning love. That dog... no idea how I could have gotten through this past year without him.
As for the divorce, the papers are signed. It was a shitty day, but I finally got the last of my things. I had to pick up the keys from her at work so I could get in the apt and I couldn't even say a word to her. I could barely look at her to get the keys from her. Just her being within a few feet of me made my stomach cramp and it felt like my heart deflated. Probably one of the worst feelings a human can feel. I don't suggest you try it.
I somehow made it through the holidays. I can't say it was without incident. A christmas night phone call went REALLY bad, and I'm the only one to blame for that. The realness of losing a wife and a family I loved dearly really hit me hard. Christmas is forever ruined for me. Not because of JUST this divorce, but so many other things. I'm not going into it right now, but believe me when I say have plenty of reason to not want to participate any longer.
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OK... enough of the downer stuff. I can't have ya'll thinking that I'm still this horribly depressed soul who can't find a way out of the darkness of life any more. In fact, things are turning around for the better every day that I wake up.
It's been getting busier and busier at the shop lately. My clientele from over the past years are starting to come here more and more. I'm getting to do fun piercings on fun people. Can't really ask for much more when it come to work, can I? (well, I guess I can... but for now I won't)
My drinking has gotten to be not as much of an issue in my life right now. At the beginning of the year i stopped cold turkey, and kept it going for a bit. I found that I had two main problems with it. 1) I was drinking entirely too much, all the time. 2) If I tried to quit, I failed because I was quitting because someone else said I should. Now, the reasons for #1 are pretty clear. No real reason to go into the "why" of that. We'll just leave it at "trying to escape" for arguments sake. The more I do the work it takes to move on from the divorce, the less I feel the need to get annihilated every night. Besides, shit gets spendy. #2 was the bigger deal for me. At first, I was trying to quit in hopes that she would see my efforts and not want to continue the split. That didn't work, and quitting failed. Then I tried quitting because a friend or a family member wanted me to. Well, when they weren't around, I almost drank out of spite. That's just not good. Then I got to the point where I just got tired of feeling like shit all the time. I got sick of one of my friends having to tell me all the horrible things I would say when I was blacked out. The guilt I woke up with every morning was just getting to be too much to bear. It also hit me that if I wanted to better my situation in ANY way, something had to give. I know this is something obvious, but it took a bit to hit me. I found a way of thinking that seems to work for me.
Here it is: I can drink. I can NOT drink. Either way, it has to be MY choice. I'm tired of drinking to deal with the loss of her. I'm tired of drinking just because that's what I have been doing for so long. I'm tired of waking up feeling like shit, thus ruining my whole day.
Pretty simple stuff if you ask me, but it totally works. Waking up feeling great and alert is pretty damn awesome. Kind of getting addicted to that. Having money in my pocket also is damn awesome.
Ok, shop is getting busy.. gotta go.
