I Wish This Blog Could Be Happier...

Hello all. I'v been gone for about 2 weeks now and a lot has changed in that amount of time, or at least it feels like alot. First, let's get the big one out of the way. It's looking as tho the marriage has come to its end. I've done too many things wrong, and I haven't been the husband that she needed me to be. Honestly, I can't really blame her for not wanting to work things out. While It hurts more than anything that two weeks into me trying to change myself, she's done. Granted, I dropped a huge bomb on her just before I left, but I just really wanted her to be the person that wouldn't leave. I guess all people have their breaking points, I found hers.
Second, yesterday marked 14 years since my mothers suicide. My wife told me she wanted a divorce two days prior. No, I'm not in a good head space. In fact, I'm really all over the place.
I'm currently spending a few days in Sacramento to try and think and ride around. If you wanna hang out, text me.

gotta make this short. paying 17 cents a min to get this blog out.

oh, 16 days without a drink.

Might Be My Last Post For A While

So, in the past couple of weeks I've slowly declined to basically hitting the point of rock bottom these past two days.

Here are some of the facts I wish to share today:
1) My drinking is completely out of hand. It is unmanageable. I can't be trusted around Liquor stores or bars. I drink to the point that not only do I blackout everything, but the next morning I get to see the aftermath in my apartment of what I did. It's never good. It's not like I ever wake up saying, "oh, I got wasted last night and cleaned my house and donated to charity." It's always a very dark scene. I'll leave it at that.

 2) Because of #1, I have completely  blown it with my job. I called to talk to my boss about things, and he informed me all my shifts were covered and that I need to go fix myself before I can come back. Let me just tell you, there are very few things that are worse than having people you respect always being disappointed by you. My boss just plain called me a drunk. That hurt so goddamn bad, but he's so completely right. I AM a drunk, and he can't have that at his business.

3) Because I've been drinking so much, I've pissed away my rent. I'm rather surprised there isn't an eviction notice on my door.



So, with all of that said, and with the help of Suzie, My Sister, and a couple of VERY dear friends, I am moving out of this city and I'm GOING to fix this. I'm going to go work, sweat, be around emotional and intelligent people, and be far away from the clutches of this town. No, I am not "running away"... I am "moving on" and getting myself back to the person that so many of you tell me that you love.


Like the title says, this might be my last post for a while. When I get out there, I don't know how much inet access I'll have. Even if there is access, I might just want to keep a lot of my thoughts to myself for a bit. But, you never know... I might want to be writing every spare moment. I won't know till I'm there.

Hopefully I'll see most of you on the other side of this. I know there are a lot of relationships I'm going to have to remove myself from because there is just too much drinking involved in it. I really hope these people will understand, but if they don't, I understand.

Man, writing all of this out scares the shit out of me.

Requested Blog

So, the past two days have been pretty bad. Pretty sure all the work I've put in in the past month or so is just down the drain right now. My needs superseded my goals and I seem to have lost it. I got in a huge fight with her, and while I think my points are valid, i also think my lack of direction right now is at fault. I may have just ruined everything because I have no idea how to handle my emotions.

here's the skinny of everything right now:

1) i can't make rent
2) i had to ask family, out of state, for help with food.
3) i really have doubts that my marriage will ever be what i want it to be. in fact, i'm pretty sure we're just gonna have to get away from eachother.


i currently feel like i'm just spinning my wheels in a time in my life where nothing is making sense or moving forward. why the fuck am i in this city? it's slowly trying to kill me and tearing my marriage apart. i want out, but i'm fucking stuck here. how messed up is that? All i want to do is run away from here. but what is that gonna solve? probably nothing.


so what am i gonna do? well, i'll tell you what i want to do. i want to lay down on my bed, go to sleep, and just not wake up until this world isn't so fucked. that's not gonna happen. so what AM i gonna do? well, i guess i'm gonna just move along until there is a wall in my way and figure it out at that time. any day now i'll get the"pay or move out" notice on my door. can't wait for that awesomeness to happen. at that point i'll just stress the fuck out until i figure something out. (yay, more chaotic blogs for ya'll to read!)

as of right now, i'm just gonna let Robert Plant sing me to sleep. today can suck a whole bag of "fuck you". i'm so over it.

SHAZBOT!

Well, I saw what my check is gonna look like for Friday. It's not gonna cover rent. In fact, I'm gonna be way behind.

Fuck.

I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna do. I've never lost an apartment because I couldn't pay rent on time. I have no idea what the management company is gonna say when I tell them I don't have it, and probably won't have it till next payday.

I'm pretty much screwed.

Unless I can figure some shit out, here comes exactly what I knew was coming when all of this started.  I knew I couldn't do this on my own. I let my ego talk for me and say that I could, but I was way off.

This city is kicking the shit out of me.

DEBT! It's what's for dinner!

So I woke up this morning not only feeling like shit, but finding out that Comcast shut my service off for lack of payment. Well, seeing as how my internet is fairly important to me, I bit the bullet and paid the bill. Then I decided that I might as well pay the other bills since it's obvious I'm not gonna have rent on time anyway. So bills are paid, but rent is past due. fridge is still empty but I'm working on that. I don't feel like I'm in a HUGE hole yet, but if I don't figure something out soon it's gonna be exactly that way.


I know, I know... these are problems all of you have. The thing with me is this is the first time in my life where I have to do this all on my own. I would have really preferred for this to go down in Sacto rather than SF. It's just too damn expensive out here.

quick blog

I know I haven't been as on top of this blog as I want to be, but I've been a little busy the past week. Suzie and I have been hanging out and doing things pretty much all week. It's been great. I can't even express what it does to me every time I get to see her.


There is a downside to this tho... I've put everything else in my life on hold. While my main focus in my life right now is working on my marriage, I need to find a way to be able to focus on my personal life and all the other things in it. This city is too expensive and it seems like anything I want to do to try to make things better for me require more money, or me moving away from here. My ultimate goal is the second choice. Problem is, there's NO way for me to actually save money or even get out of the hole I'm in so I can go do this.

So here I am... falling deeper and deeper in the debt hole, but my marriage is doing much better. My fridge is empty, my bills are unpaid, rent is due today and I don't have it, and on top of that I'm getting sick. Oh, and did I mention that Titan has started barking a lot while I'm gone? Yeah, that's super awesome. I take him out all the time, make sure he has food before I do, and love on him like no other yet it's not enough right now. He needs more distractions during the time I'm gone.

To put this all in simple, teenager terms.... "this sucks!"


crap... blog took too long. now I might be late for work. crap.