So it's been about 3 days or so since I last blogged. I guess i needed some time to think about stuff, rather than write about it. last week was pretty rough for me. It's proving to be really difficult to have so much alone time. I've always been a person who could spend a LOT of time all by myself, but I always had someone to go home to, even if it was a roommate and not a person I was in a relationship with. Titan and Deliliah are awesome pets, but not very good humans. I find myself trying to tell her things all the time, like she's sitting behind me or in the kitchen or something. I get about 2 1/2 words into it before it kicks in. Being alone is... well.... lonely. I could fix that by calling a friend and going to hang out or something. Problem is, I'm not really in the mood to hang out with anyone. Kinda weird right? Super lonely, but I don't wanna go hang out. Pretty retarded.
I'll admit that my not drinking thing has been on shaky ground. Last weeks mess-up actually ended up lasting 3 days. I'm back on, but I think I'm gonna put less stress on counting days. I think I need to take the "one day at a time" thing a lot more literal. "I didn't drink today, I don't care about yesterday, I have no clue about tomorrow." Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. I know that the feeling like I "HAVE" to go to AA meetings makes me not wanna go. I've always been like that, tell me to do something, and I won't wanna. Tell me NOT to do something, and I'll do it 50 times or more. I do know, that I WANT to go to one specific meeting. Last week I didn't go because I decided to drink that night (yes, writing that out made me feel fucking stupid). Tomorrow is a huge possibility, but I'm supposed to talk to her tomorrow night so we'll see how that goes.
Speaking of tomorrow night, I can say I'm not very optimistic. Every conversation with her drives the nail into my heart and through my soul deeper and deeper. I expect tomorrow to be more of the same. For some reason I feel the need to punish myself. Actually, that reason is that I'm not as ready to give up on this as she seems to be. Maybe it's because I've already been through a divorce before and I know how this shit can make you feel for years and years to come. Maybe it's because I'm still very much in love with her, regardless of what has happened.
Work is really my saving grace right now. Man, I have some amazing co-workers, THAT is for sure. I've also been getting to do piercings that I haven't done in YEARS. SO awesome. Being sober is also great for my "Grumpy Gary" factor that sets in every so often. I'm sure my clients are happy about it.
Ok, I'm shutting up for a bit.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
i hate the new scenes in the old star wars movies...
Today was pretty uneventful other than hanging out with a friend of mine this morning. I pretty much just sat in the house after an hour bike ride.One thing I'm noticing about my days off right now...no drinking and no wife makes for very long days. Maybe it's just because I'm in my own head too much right now. I walked/ran Titan so much yesterday that he didn't wanna get up at all today. I guess I'm ok with that.
I was gonna go to the movies tonight. then I thought about how lame it would feel to go alone. I was able to do that when I was younger, not so comfortable now.
I don't really know what else to say right now. I feel like I need to write, but nothing is really coming out.maybe more later.
I was gonna go to the movies tonight. then I thought about how lame it would feel to go alone. I was able to do that when I was younger, not so comfortable now.
I don't really know what else to say right now. I feel like I need to write, but nothing is really coming out.maybe more later.
Apparently sleep isn't gonna happen...
i can't sleep, and my mind is racing. this post is just gonna be random thoughts.
It's pissing me off on how fast this is all happening. she tells me it's over, she's gone, then her stuff is gone, then me reorganize things, and then it's just done... like that. i tried to get her removed off my bank account today and holy SHIT is that gonna be a problem. i'm gonna have to dissolve the current account, setup a new one, and then reattach all the things from my old account to it.
WHY IS IT EASIER FOR HER TO LEAVE ME THAN FOR ME TO CHANGE A BANK ACCOUNT?!??!
what the fuck? i guess the "paperwork" of the past 7 years is just gonna be the jagged knife digging into my side for the next few years.
I guess I really can't complain that much. I got to be married to easily the hottest woman I've ever seen, and whom was one of the most amazing people I've ever talked to.; She came equipped with an amazing family. I can't tell you how sad I am that I no longer have her mom in my life. for a few years there, she actually made the absence of my own mother not as bad. I actually called her "Mom". the last time I talked to her was on Mothers Day. how fitting. I feel like I'll never get to talk to her again.
It's pissing me off on how fast this is all happening. she tells me it's over, she's gone, then her stuff is gone, then me reorganize things, and then it's just done... like that. i tried to get her removed off my bank account today and holy SHIT is that gonna be a problem. i'm gonna have to dissolve the current account, setup a new one, and then reattach all the things from my old account to it.
WHY IS IT EASIER FOR HER TO LEAVE ME THAN FOR ME TO CHANGE A BANK ACCOUNT?!??!
what the fuck? i guess the "paperwork" of the past 7 years is just gonna be the jagged knife digging into my side for the next few years.
I guess I really can't complain that much. I got to be married to easily the hottest woman I've ever seen, and whom was one of the most amazing people I've ever talked to.; She came equipped with an amazing family. I can't tell you how sad I am that I no longer have her mom in my life. for a few years there, she actually made the absence of my own mother not as bad. I actually called her "Mom". the last time I talked to her was on Mothers Day. how fitting. I feel like I'll never get to talk to her again.
here i am again...
So here I am... in basically the same spot she found me in...which is where the previous found me in... and so forth.
I've been getting the question... "do you think she just needs time, or is it really over?"
The problem with that question is that she gave me so much time to make it better, and I guess I just didn't make it happen. So, no... she doesn't need time... she doesn't wanna work it out. in fact, she doesn't even wanna be around me at this point.
If you're reading this, please stop asking that question.
***
I keep starting sentences...out loud... thinking i'm talking to her. i get a few words into the sentence before i catch myself.. every time I do it I look around and this studio apt looks like it's a huge mansion. I feel like I'm in this huge empty space. then everything shrinks around me and I feel like I'm the only person in this world.
she's supposed to be here. she's supposed to be holding me when i feel like this.
...but she's not. she left.
and this is how I'm left to feel and deal with it.
yeah,,, I'm this hurt to ask this... why does everyone either leave me or die? what is it about me that i can't keep anyone close to me for a length of time? why is it i get to constantly deal with loss or rejection?
So here I am... 36 years old. working on my second divorce before I'm even 40. obviously my idea of love an marriage isn't up to par with todays standards. gonna have to work on that. highly doubt I'll get married again, but I said that all the way leading up to meeting her, so I guess I shouldn't say that.
whatever, I'm going to bed.
(Kheri.... it's really hard to keep capitalizing I and I'm and what not, but I keep doing it. thank you for pointing that out.)
I've been getting the question... "do you think she just needs time, or is it really over?"
The problem with that question is that she gave me so much time to make it better, and I guess I just didn't make it happen. So, no... she doesn't need time... she doesn't wanna work it out. in fact, she doesn't even wanna be around me at this point.
If you're reading this, please stop asking that question.
***
I keep starting sentences...out loud... thinking i'm talking to her. i get a few words into the sentence before i catch myself.. every time I do it I look around and this studio apt looks like it's a huge mansion. I feel like I'm in this huge empty space. then everything shrinks around me and I feel like I'm the only person in this world.
she's supposed to be here. she's supposed to be holding me when i feel like this.
...but she's not. she left.
and this is how I'm left to feel and deal with it.
yeah,,, I'm this hurt to ask this... why does everyone either leave me or die? what is it about me that i can't keep anyone close to me for a length of time? why is it i get to constantly deal with loss or rejection?
So here I am... 36 years old. working on my second divorce before I'm even 40. obviously my idea of love an marriage isn't up to par with todays standards. gonna have to work on that. highly doubt I'll get married again, but I said that all the way leading up to meeting her, so I guess I shouldn't say that.
whatever, I'm going to bed.
(Kheri.... it's really hard to keep capitalizing I and I'm and what not, but I keep doing it. thank you for pointing that out.)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!
feeling like shit this morning... why?
yesterday i was supposed to go to work, get off work, come home, deal with her being completely gone, and then go to my new AA meeting.
what did i do instead?
i got off work, came home, saw the emptiness, grabbed Titan to go outside to pee, and ended up buying a 12 pack and coming back home. i then devoured said 12 pack as i reorganized the apartment.
i should be saying "21 days, 3 weeks BEOTCH!", but instead i get to say "gary, you're fucking weak".
yesterday i really hit a wall with all of this. to be honest, i was fucking PISSED all day. the anger about all this really set in. i knew i was in trouble about halfway through the day when i said to a coworker, "i just really don't feel like going to my AA meeting tonight". i guess if i had a sponsor that would have been when i would have called them and told them i was being weak, and they would have had some awesome words for me to make me not wanna drink. fact of the matter is, i have several people i could have called yesterday. i don't need AA to not drink, I don't need a sponsor to not drink. I need to keep the NEED to not drink in my face. last night wasn't a night for that. today is... the day before was... but last night was NOT.
so am i pissed at myself, you bet your ass. am i headed out to the bar for a 3 day binger since i don't work? no. am i buying a 12 pack and doing it again today? no. am i gonna move on like it didn't happen, meh... not so much. gonna move on...but i'm also going to realize that this is just part of my healing process.
i expect some flack about this. believe me tho.... my first hangover in 21 days is punishing me pretty good.
so today, i continue to make this apartment less her and more me.and it's now Day 1 again.
yesterday i was supposed to go to work, get off work, come home, deal with her being completely gone, and then go to my new AA meeting.
what did i do instead?
i got off work, came home, saw the emptiness, grabbed Titan to go outside to pee, and ended up buying a 12 pack and coming back home. i then devoured said 12 pack as i reorganized the apartment.
i should be saying "21 days, 3 weeks BEOTCH!", but instead i get to say "gary, you're fucking weak".
yesterday i really hit a wall with all of this. to be honest, i was fucking PISSED all day. the anger about all this really set in. i knew i was in trouble about halfway through the day when i said to a coworker, "i just really don't feel like going to my AA meeting tonight". i guess if i had a sponsor that would have been when i would have called them and told them i was being weak, and they would have had some awesome words for me to make me not wanna drink. fact of the matter is, i have several people i could have called yesterday. i don't need AA to not drink, I don't need a sponsor to not drink. I need to keep the NEED to not drink in my face. last night wasn't a night for that. today is... the day before was... but last night was NOT.
so am i pissed at myself, you bet your ass. am i headed out to the bar for a 3 day binger since i don't work? no. am i buying a 12 pack and doing it again today? no. am i gonna move on like it didn't happen, meh... not so much. gonna move on...but i'm also going to realize that this is just part of my healing process.
i expect some flack about this. believe me tho.... my first hangover in 21 days is punishing me pretty good.
so today, i continue to make this apartment less her and more me.and it's now Day 1 again.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
TGIF
Not only is today Wave 3 of her leaving, it's also my friday. TGIF, I need some days off. especially after what I'll get to come home to tonight. I've got that meeting to go try out, so hopefully it helps me get outta my head on THIS subject for an hour, so I can focus on my other shit.
I've come to the conclusion that I no longer want to get back together with her, or at least that's how I feel this morning. this is subject to change.I feel like even if she came back, I'd always be walking on eggshells wondering if I said the wrong thing, will she up and leave again? will I come home to an empty house one day? It's obvious that it's easy for her to leave, so it'll be easier to leave next time. sure, she says this isn't easy for her, but actions speak louder than words. My actions over the years with her spoke louder that my words, so I guess it's Karma for me.
oh, and the vindictive male ego in me is turning her makeup/dressing room nook into my bike room. It's not a garage or a work shed, but it'll work as a "man cave" just as well. I'm calling this "therapy".
I've started making plans with friends to hang out. I need to get out of this house. Mostly, I need to get out of my head. Probably gonna hang with a friend tomorrow night to watch the Giants game and work on my road bike. the friday morning it's biking to a coffee shop with another friend to have some good conversation. no plans for saturday yet, but I think a beach trip is in order for Titan and I so that might go down.
Speaking of Titan... he hates all of this. Deliliah doesn't seem to really mind. (oh,did I mention that she's going to be staying with me for a few more months?) I need to find someone I trust to come to my apartment during my work days to let him out for 15-20 min or so. I've been at the park with him almost twice a day, every day lately... but with all the bad vibes around, he needs more.
I suppose I should get in the shower and get my day going. I love the people I work with, but I just want the day to be over so I can get my weekend going so I can do some healing.
I've come to the conclusion that I no longer want to get back together with her, or at least that's how I feel this morning. this is subject to change.I feel like even if she came back, I'd always be walking on eggshells wondering if I said the wrong thing, will she up and leave again? will I come home to an empty house one day? It's obvious that it's easy for her to leave, so it'll be easier to leave next time. sure, she says this isn't easy for her, but actions speak louder than words. My actions over the years with her spoke louder that my words, so I guess it's Karma for me.
oh, and the vindictive male ego in me is turning her makeup/dressing room nook into my bike room. It's not a garage or a work shed, but it'll work as a "man cave" just as well. I'm calling this "therapy".
I've started making plans with friends to hang out. I need to get out of this house. Mostly, I need to get out of my head. Probably gonna hang with a friend tomorrow night to watch the Giants game and work on my road bike. the friday morning it's biking to a coffee shop with another friend to have some good conversation. no plans for saturday yet, but I think a beach trip is in order for Titan and I so that might go down.
Speaking of Titan... he hates all of this. Deliliah doesn't seem to really mind. (oh,did I mention that she's going to be staying with me for a few more months?) I need to find someone I trust to come to my apartment during my work days to let him out for 15-20 min or so. I've been at the park with him almost twice a day, every day lately... but with all the bad vibes around, he needs more.
I suppose I should get in the shower and get my day going. I love the people I work with, but I just want the day to be over so I can get my weekend going so I can do some healing.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
the duct tape hasn't drawn blood yet
not a whole lot to say this morning. I organized a bunch of stuff last night so the apartment looks different as I wake up.shes gonna come take more stuff today, so It'll look different again when I get off work. Probably gonna have more organizing to do.
I'm trying to make plans with people and actually keep them. I need to not shut everyone out. Hopefully my new AA meeting tomorrow night will introduce me to new people that I'll wanna hang out with. It might take me a while to not be such a flake, but it's on the "to do" list so we'll see what happens.
If you're in SF today, feel free to come see me at work. Random visits feel great.
I'm trying to make plans with people and actually keep them. I need to not shut everyone out. Hopefully my new AA meeting tomorrow night will introduce me to new people that I'll wanna hang out with. It might take me a while to not be such a flake, but it's on the "to do" list so we'll see what happens.
If you're in SF today, feel free to come see me at work. Random visits feel great.
sleeping is rather weird now.
so you'd think I'd be super tired right now. I'm not. Took Titan to the park and ran him for almost an hour. he's passed the fuck out. I'm staring at empty spaces on the walls still.
I organized the bookshelf. She seems to have taken most of her books. I found 3 that were hers that she left. Pretty sure she wants them. Looking at the bookshelf with only my books in it is a fun sight...kinda. I love that I can fill up almost an entire bookshelf with books I've read. I do hate the gaps made by taking her books out tho.
I changed the sheets. The last bit of her vanilla scent is probably gonna go with that. I keep sweeping...and finding her hair. Eventually, I won't find her hair all over the place anymore. Not sure how I feel about that. I always bitched about finding her hair everywhere, now it makes me kind of smile when it pops up.
Right before I go to bed, and just as I wake up is the worst. It's when I think of her the most. Here I am about to go to bed, and all I get to look forward to is waking up. here we go...
thanks again for listening... you are the friends I really need.
I organized the bookshelf. She seems to have taken most of her books. I found 3 that were hers that she left. Pretty sure she wants them. Looking at the bookshelf with only my books in it is a fun sight...kinda. I love that I can fill up almost an entire bookshelf with books I've read. I do hate the gaps made by taking her books out tho.
I changed the sheets. The last bit of her vanilla scent is probably gonna go with that. I keep sweeping...and finding her hair. Eventually, I won't find her hair all over the place anymore. Not sure how I feel about that. I always bitched about finding her hair everywhere, now it makes me kind of smile when it pops up.
Right before I go to bed, and just as I wake up is the worst. It's when I think of her the most. Here I am about to go to bed, and all I get to look forward to is waking up. here we go...
thanks again for listening... you are the friends I really need.
Monday, May 21, 2012
more blank space on the walls to stare at.
I came home to wave 1 of 3 of her stuff being moved out. the walls are a bit more bare, her little makeup nook looks a lot emptier, and it no longer smells like her vanilla anymore. I don't even know what to say about it right now. I suppose there isn't really anything that CAN be said at this point. I'm the one who decided to not change for the better when I had the chances to do it, so I basically set myself up for this. I guess all I can really do is make sure I don't do this to myself, or anyone else, again.
Work seems to be just "going by" right now. Not really the best thing but I'm sure things will perk up for me as time progresses. I guess all I really need is that one awesome customer that comes in and just makes for an awesome experience. I'm being nice and I'm putting on my smile. Luckily I work with some of the most awesome people in my industry so I'm well taken care of there.
I'd like to also bring one more thing up before I take this dog of mine to the park. I've started getting a lot of emails/texts from all of you and I must say they make me feel great as I'm reading them. Thank you so much for taking the time out to do that. Now, that said... I haven't responded to any of them. For some reason, I just can't. I know that isn't a very good way to keep the awesome friends I have, but I'm not doing it because I'm a dick. I'm doing it because this blog is really the only way I can get the stuff out that I need to. Can't really explain why until I understand it better myself. I'm pretty conflicted right now. I want someone to come be with me so I'm not so lonely, but I don't want anyone around me. I want to call someone, or be called by someone so I can talk, but i don't want to talk, especially on the phone. I want to get out of this apartment, but when I leave all I wanna do is hurry back. Maybe I'll have a night where I just respond to them all at once. Maybe I won't. Either way, I love getting them and please know that they ARE doing good.
OK, I'm gonna shut up for a bit.
Work seems to be just "going by" right now. Not really the best thing but I'm sure things will perk up for me as time progresses. I guess all I really need is that one awesome customer that comes in and just makes for an awesome experience. I'm being nice and I'm putting on my smile. Luckily I work with some of the most awesome people in my industry so I'm well taken care of there.
I'd like to also bring one more thing up before I take this dog of mine to the park. I've started getting a lot of emails/texts from all of you and I must say they make me feel great as I'm reading them. Thank you so much for taking the time out to do that. Now, that said... I haven't responded to any of them. For some reason, I just can't. I know that isn't a very good way to keep the awesome friends I have, but I'm not doing it because I'm a dick. I'm doing it because this blog is really the only way I can get the stuff out that I need to. Can't really explain why until I understand it better myself. I'm pretty conflicted right now. I want someone to come be with me so I'm not so lonely, but I don't want anyone around me. I want to call someone, or be called by someone so I can talk, but i don't want to talk, especially on the phone. I want to get out of this apartment, but when I leave all I wanna do is hurry back. Maybe I'll have a night where I just respond to them all at once. Maybe I won't. Either way, I love getting them and please know that they ARE doing good.
OK, I'm gonna shut up for a bit.
and so it begins...
today isn't good. she's at the apartment right now packing her stuff. got it reaffirmed to me that there is nothing that can be done to try to work things out. while it's the top story on my list of things going through my head today, I can't seem to want to write about it right now. probably after work.
today is 18 days. I wish I could say I care, but I really don't. I'm supposed to be super focused on being sober... I'm totally not. I'm head deep in dealing with her leaving. maybe once she's fully moved out I'll be able to focus more. I think I need another long ass bike ride.
Wednesday night i start going to these AA meetings I heard about from a good friend. I think these meetings might be more up my ally. we'll see. the praying, hand holding, and chanting shit together really bugs me. the stories people talk about are what helps, so I guess I'll deal with the religious bullshit to get to the good stuff.
I guess i better get in the work mindset.
today is 18 days. I wish I could say I care, but I really don't. I'm supposed to be super focused on being sober... I'm totally not. I'm head deep in dealing with her leaving. maybe once she's fully moved out I'll be able to focus more. I think I need another long ass bike ride.
Wednesday night i start going to these AA meetings I heard about from a good friend. I think these meetings might be more up my ally. we'll see. the praying, hand holding, and chanting shit together really bugs me. the stories people talk about are what helps, so I guess I'll deal with the religious bullshit to get to the good stuff.
I guess i better get in the work mindset.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Oddity
so, how weird is it that i asked her to marry me the night of a lunar eclipse, and the week she's moving out of my life there is a solar eclipse?
BIRD SHIT!
so far, today isn't a great day. slept horrible, had nightmares, got shit on by a bird as soon as i left the apt, and it's bay to breakers today. awesome. drunk asshole in a costume day.
i took the gamble and called her this morning. needed to hear her voice, even if it was an angry voice. luckily it wasn't and we had a good phone call. she starts moving tomorrow...begin "Operation Duct Tape Bandaid Pull" now.
time to get in the shower, and wash this morning funk off me, then it's off to work. hopefully i remember to go get a new keyboard after work because slamming this spacebar over and over or editing my runon words is really annoying. besides, it makes writing smoothly really hard.fucking cat. just HAD to break it didn't you?
i took the gamble and called her this morning. needed to hear her voice, even if it was an angry voice. luckily it wasn't and we had a good phone call. she starts moving tomorrow...begin "Operation Duct Tape Bandaid Pull" now.
time to get in the shower, and wash this morning funk off me, then it's off to work. hopefully i remember to go get a new keyboard after work because slamming this spacebar over and over or editing my runon words is really annoying. besides, it makes writing smoothly really hard.fucking cat. just HAD to break it didn't you?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The Skinny Of It All...
so, if you're reading this, i can only assume you're here from Facebook. a lot of you will remember back in the myspace days that i used to blog fairly regularly. a lot of you seemed to really like it. i know i sure did. it was a great way to get out a lot of things in my head. some for recent event at the time, some for things i've been dealing with my whole life. i guess i use blogs in a way people use a diary. i'm gonna be brutally honest, but sometimes super vague.
"Well why not just get Diary instead of airing all your personal shit to the internet?" - Random Friend
thank you for asking. the answer is...well... i don't know. maybe i feel like once i get my issues out in such a public way, they are OUT. no more keeping it in and dwelling on it. people know, and sometimes they'll ask about it. sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
now, i'm not here to talk about anyone else's life. while there is going to be a lot of talk about one person specifically, i will not be trying to give details on her life other than how it pertains to my life directly. i ask that in the comments section that everyone refrain from asking about details only she'd have answers to.
"So what the fuck happened, Gary? Sounds like you two split up." - Random Friend
you are quick to the meaty questions, aren't you? well, you guessed it right. obviously, i don't want this to be happening(neither does she for that matter, but...), BUT i had plenty of chances over the years to change the things in me that was causing this marriage the problems it had. she's put up with so much over the years and it's pretty fucking bad that it took something this drastic for me to see how bad it had gotten for her.
"...ok....What was the deal? what were you doing so bad?" - Random Friend
do you even know me? obviously it was my drinking. every relationship i've ever been in has ended because of my drinking, or the things i do while drinking. every last one (prove me wrong ex's....prove me wrong!) if it wasn't my drinking, it was the selfish things in me that generally come with a drinker. she is an amazing woman and im still very much in love with her, but i've hurt her in ways that i guess i can't repair.
so this brings me to the other thing going on in my life that everyone is asking about. yes, i've stopped drinking. now, i know she's not coming back. i see it in her eyes, in the way she says things to me. so i'm not doing this to try to win her back. no, i've got a few other reasons to not drink, especially right now. my drinking has escalated to a point where i blackout pretty easily. sometimes, i won't even have had that many beers and the next day i won't remember anything from the night before. if i do, it's bits and pieces. pretty damn scary, right? add in what just happened in my life, and you've got a recipe for jail. simply put, i just can't drink at all right now and expect to live a normal life.
as of today i've not had a drink in 16 days. i must say, it's pretty damn weird, but only when i pay attention to it. to be completely honest, i'm not paying as close attention to my recovery as i am to my marriage falling apart. i feel like my not drinking is mainly due to autopilot and a desire to not go to jail. i'm so focused on her leaving and what i have to do in this to even give thought to drinking or not drinking.i'm sure this will kick me in the ass at some point, because i know i need to focus on my new beginning and not the end of something else.easier said than done, right?
"Well then, what are you going to do? - Random Friend
as of right now, Titan and I will be staying at the apartment and she and the kitty are moving out this week.she'll be moving out over the course of a few days so it should be like tearing off a bandaid made of duct tape as slow as possible. if all goes as she plans, come wednesday i will be living alone. i will wake up in the mornings and take titan out. i'll clean something around the house.maybe i'll try learning to cook better.i'll go to work, and i'll do my best to not bring my life with me.(havn't been so good at that lately). i'm gonna go to more AA meetings. i'm going to try to let my friends in a bit more, as i'm gonna need them. but mainly, i guess i'm just gonna try to do the Next Right Thing (hi michelle).
so there ya go.a great example of what my blog is gonna be like. enjoy.
"Well why not just get Diary instead of airing all your personal shit to the internet?" - Random Friend
thank you for asking. the answer is...well... i don't know. maybe i feel like once i get my issues out in such a public way, they are OUT. no more keeping it in and dwelling on it. people know, and sometimes they'll ask about it. sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
now, i'm not here to talk about anyone else's life. while there is going to be a lot of talk about one person specifically, i will not be trying to give details on her life other than how it pertains to my life directly. i ask that in the comments section that everyone refrain from asking about details only she'd have answers to.
"So what the fuck happened, Gary? Sounds like you two split up." - Random Friend
you are quick to the meaty questions, aren't you? well, you guessed it right. obviously, i don't want this to be happening(neither does she for that matter, but...), BUT i had plenty of chances over the years to change the things in me that was causing this marriage the problems it had. she's put up with so much over the years and it's pretty fucking bad that it took something this drastic for me to see how bad it had gotten for her.
"...ok....What was the deal? what were you doing so bad?" - Random Friend
do you even know me? obviously it was my drinking. every relationship i've ever been in has ended because of my drinking, or the things i do while drinking. every last one (prove me wrong ex's....prove me wrong!) if it wasn't my drinking, it was the selfish things in me that generally come with a drinker. she is an amazing woman and im still very much in love with her, but i've hurt her in ways that i guess i can't repair.
so this brings me to the other thing going on in my life that everyone is asking about. yes, i've stopped drinking. now, i know she's not coming back. i see it in her eyes, in the way she says things to me. so i'm not doing this to try to win her back. no, i've got a few other reasons to not drink, especially right now. my drinking has escalated to a point where i blackout pretty easily. sometimes, i won't even have had that many beers and the next day i won't remember anything from the night before. if i do, it's bits and pieces. pretty damn scary, right? add in what just happened in my life, and you've got a recipe for jail. simply put, i just can't drink at all right now and expect to live a normal life.
as of today i've not had a drink in 16 days. i must say, it's pretty damn weird, but only when i pay attention to it. to be completely honest, i'm not paying as close attention to my recovery as i am to my marriage falling apart. i feel like my not drinking is mainly due to autopilot and a desire to not go to jail. i'm so focused on her leaving and what i have to do in this to even give thought to drinking or not drinking.i'm sure this will kick me in the ass at some point, because i know i need to focus on my new beginning and not the end of something else.easier said than done, right?
"Well then, what are you going to do? - Random Friend
as of right now, Titan and I will be staying at the apartment and she and the kitty are moving out this week.she'll be moving out over the course of a few days so it should be like tearing off a bandaid made of duct tape as slow as possible. if all goes as she plans, come wednesday i will be living alone. i will wake up in the mornings and take titan out. i'll clean something around the house.maybe i'll try learning to cook better.i'll go to work, and i'll do my best to not bring my life with me.(havn't been so good at that lately). i'm gonna go to more AA meetings. i'm going to try to let my friends in a bit more, as i'm gonna need them. but mainly, i guess i'm just gonna try to do the Next Right Thing (hi michelle).
so there ya go.a great example of what my blog is gonna be like. enjoy.
First Entry
Well, here we go. My blog page. i guess this is where i'm going to be venting about life and whatnot.
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