The Skinny Of It All...

so, if you're reading this, i can only assume you're here from Facebook. a lot of you will remember back in the myspace days that i used to blog fairly regularly. a lot of you seemed to really like it. i know i sure did. it was a great way to get out a lot of things in my head. some for recent event at the time, some for things i've been dealing with my whole life. i guess i use blogs in a way people use a diary. i'm gonna be brutally honest, but sometimes super vague.

"Well why not just get Diary instead of airing all your personal shit to the internet?" - Random Friend

thank you for asking. the answer is...well... i don't know. maybe i feel like once i get my issues out in such a public way, they are OUT. no more keeping it in and dwelling on it. people know, and sometimes they'll ask about it. sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.

now, i'm not here to talk about anyone else's life. while there is going to be a lot of talk about one person specifically, i will not be trying to give details on her life other than how it pertains to my life directly. i ask that in the comments section that everyone refrain from asking about details only she'd have answers to.


"So what the fuck happened, Gary? Sounds like you two split up." - Random Friend


you are quick to the meaty questions, aren't you? well, you guessed it right. obviously, i don't want this to be happening(neither does she for that matter, but...), BUT i had plenty of chances over the years to change the things in me that was causing this marriage the problems it had. she's put up with so much over the years and it's pretty fucking bad that it took something this drastic for me to see how bad it had gotten for her.


"...ok....What was the deal? what were you doing so bad?"  - Random Friend


do you even know me? obviously it was my drinking. every relationship i've ever been in has ended because of my drinking, or the things i do while drinking. every last one (prove me wrong ex's....prove me wrong!) if it wasn't my drinking, it was the selfish things in me that generally come with a drinker. she is an amazing woman and im still very much in love with her, but i've hurt her in ways that i guess i can't repair.

so this brings me to the other thing going on in my life that everyone is asking about. yes, i've stopped drinking. now, i know she's not coming back. i see it in her eyes, in the way she says things to me. so i'm not doing this to try to win her back. no, i've got a few other reasons to not drink, especially right now. my drinking has escalated to a point where i blackout pretty easily. sometimes, i won't even have had that many beers and the next day i won't remember anything from the night before. if i do, it's bits and pieces. pretty damn scary, right? add in what just happened in my life, and you've got a recipe for jail. simply put, i just can't drink at all right now and expect to live a normal life.

as of today i've not had a drink in 16 days. i must say, it's pretty damn weird, but only when i pay attention to it. to be completely honest, i'm not paying as close attention to my recovery as i am to my marriage falling apart. i feel like my not drinking is mainly due to autopilot and a desire to not go to jail. i'm so focused on her leaving and what i have to do in this to even give thought to drinking or not drinking.i'm sure this will kick me in the ass at some point, because i know i need to focus on my new beginning and not the end of something else.easier said than done, right? 


"Well then, what are you going to do? - Random Friend


as of right now, Titan and I will be staying at the apartment and she and the kitty are moving out this week.she'll be moving out over the course of a few days so it should be like tearing off a bandaid made of duct tape as slow as possible. if all goes as she plans, come wednesday i will be living alone. i will wake up in the mornings and take titan out. i'll clean something around the house.maybe i'll try learning to cook better.i'll go to work, and i'll do my best to not bring my life with me.(havn't been so good at that lately). i'm gonna go to more AA meetings. i'm going to try to let my friends in a bit more, as i'm gonna need them. but mainly, i guess i'm just gonna try to do the Next Right Thing (hi michelle).


so there ya go.a great example of what my blog is gonna be like. enjoy.