So, the past two days have been pretty bad. Pretty sure all the work I've put in in the past month or so is just down the drain right now. My needs superseded my goals and I seem to have lost it. I got in a huge fight with her, and while I think my points are valid, i also think my lack of direction right now is at fault. I may have just ruined everything because I have no idea how to handle my emotions.
here's the skinny of everything right now:
1) i can't make rent
2) i had to ask family, out of state, for help with food.
3) i really have doubts that my marriage will ever be what i want it to be. in fact, i'm pretty sure we're just gonna have to get away from eachother.
i currently feel like i'm just spinning my wheels in a time in my life where nothing is making sense or moving forward. why the fuck am i in this city? it's slowly trying to kill me and tearing my marriage apart. i want out, but i'm fucking stuck here. how messed up is that? All i want to do is run away from here. but what is that gonna solve? probably nothing.
so what am i gonna do? well, i'll tell you what i want to do. i want to lay down on my bed, go to sleep, and just not wake up until this world isn't so fucked. that's not gonna happen. so what AM i gonna do? well, i guess i'm gonna just move along until there is a wall in my way and figure it out at that time. any day now i'll get the"pay or move out" notice on my door. can't wait for that awesomeness to happen. at that point i'll just stress the fuck out until i figure something out. (yay, more chaotic blogs for ya'll to read!)
as of right now, i'm just gonna let Robert Plant sing me to sleep. today can suck a whole bag of "fuck you". i'm so over it.
I swear that I relate to this so fucking much right now. My situation is completely different but the feeling of being fucked into a fucking corner and feeling fuckity fucked about it... that I get. Thanks for sharing, I need a meeting. I am soooooo not on track, in fact I skipped a meeting to see a movie and eat like shit. So yeah not on track and feeling like getting on track is so far out of my reach I just keep starting (half heartedly) and stopping. Anyways Gary I appreciate you for being so honest and letting us comment and being so resillient even when it doesn't feel that way... you so are. In so many ways!!
ReplyDeletedid i not mention i gave up the not drinking thing? yeah, i'm not that strong. sorry.
ReplyDeleteJust keep listening to me and realizing it could be differently worse.
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ReplyDeleteWhen I was going through a similar situation the other person and I went through a lot of ups and down initially after the split. At first I just thought it was him, after time I've realized it was both of us getting muddled in the feelings we still had for each other and the anger or pain we felt too. It took us a really, really long time but I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. We've slowly worked to a place where we can actually communicate and get along with out it turning into a fight. I'm not saying everything ends in roses, I'm just saying there will probably be some more bumps until you get to the end. As long as you keep trudging along towards what you really want you're doing the right thing.
ReplyDeleteOne of the biggest things I learned was not only to keep going forward, but to keep looking there as well. All the focus I put on the bad "in the moment" shit just made me dwell on anger and pain. Not so good for the spirits. :-) You seem to have a decent idea of what you want, that's probably the best start, remember though, what you want might change down the line too and that's totally okay. I wish you the best and am signing anonymous because I'm a little shy about spilling my guts. ;-) You are great at getting things out, that quality is going to continue to take you a long way.
Oh, and if I forgot to mention, when the split happened with me I was 8 months pregnant and unemployed. Left with a 2 bed house to pay for. I got it taken care of while all that was going on, so can you. Lack of money is the most overwhelming feeling in the world to add to all of that, but so very small once you get past and look at the whole scheme of things. Heart you!!
Brenda, she pulled herself off the lease. this is all on me now.
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ReplyDeleteif i could find a place to house both me AND Titan, i'd be all over it. unfortunately SF seems to hate pitbulls so it's harder than math to find a place. I'd leave the apt in a heartbeat if i could.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the East Bay? El Cerrito or parts of Oakland aren't too bad and seems like it's more dog-friendly.
ReplyDeleteThe advice I've read is so great that I'll spare you my rambling, but my two (well, three and some) cents is this:
1. Please don't discount all the work you have done. It DOES count and you'll see this later when things calm down (and they will calm down!)
2. You ARE doing something with you life. You've been going to counseling, writing and processing a ton of emotions, and living your life the best way you can right now, and are doing a hell of a lot more than many people in your situation would. You might be tempted to feel like it's all going to shit right now and that you have not done enough, etc. but ask anyone around you and they'll tell you different. What we see is not someone who will crumble to pieces.
3. Don't worry about quitting drinking right now - you did not give up and your situation has nothing to do with being weak. You just have enough to focus on right now, so stressing about being sober can just add to the stress. Take it easy on the alcohol, but don't beat yourself up when you've had a drink. There will come a time when you'll be more settled and you can put more focus on that. Now's just not it.
But most of all, don't think all that hard work was for nothing! That is the groundwork that you've laid and can build on. It does not just go away. Just keep building and things will fall into place. It is not all or none, it is a process :)
Can I say fuck ya to B WOOD?!! At some point, someone had to say it.
ReplyDelete^ I was not trying to be offensive in any of my replies. Thanks.
DeleteSeriously, Stephanie Beeton? Is this an inside joke I am missing? I kind of hope so because it's utterly disheartening to believe that someone would take the time out of their day to be such an asshole.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's none of my business, but B Wood has posted nothing but positive, encouraging and intelligent replies, so I was particularly floored but this nasty post.
Gary, I'm sorry. Take care.
i think ya'll might have misread her comment. i believe she was agreeing with what Brenda had said about the rent issue. i don't think she was trying to be an asshole.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gary, you're right! I whole heartily agreed with what she was saying. The fact that TWO people made a commitment to each other emotionally AND financially then to drop the burden on to just one isn't right. I dont deserve to be called an "asshole" for supporting YOU instead of feeding you their success stories which aren't exactly going to pay the bills or put food in your mouth. I'm not sorry if that offended anyone.
DeleteHey Stephanie, I think the confusion was in the wording of your post :)I couldn't tell if you agreed with me or felt I stepped over the line and was telling me fuck you. Thats why I thought I'd better delete comments and explain I wasn't trying to offend. Glad to see you agreed! I think Gary has a fine group of clearheaded, supportive friends who will tell him the truth, not only what he wants to hear and that is integral to any friendship! Thanks for posting and clarifying your words. Much appreciated!!!
DeleteI wasn't sure guys so I deleted my comments. They'd been read and responded to anyway :) I didn't want to raise any trouble....HML, I don't know you but from what I have read throughout the time Gary has blogged, I wish I did. I like you.
ReplyDelete:)
please don't delete comments. i'll wanna reread all of this one day and it'll not make as much sense.
Delete^ That said, I wanted to take my original comments a step further so I can help you process.
DeleteCouples have agreements. Lots of them. Some of these matter more than others, some are kept and some aren't. Fact is, if they're broken, both people should be on the same page about it and have some kind of backup plan or ideas as to what to do next. That did not happen here at all and was probably a huge contributing force to where you are right now, today.
Even if folks aren't getting along and decide to separate, there's certain agreements you still need to uphold by working through them to a mutually beneficial solution. I know she left because she felt she needed to. That's ok, that was her choice and she can't be faulted for it. She did what she felt was best for her. What happened, however, was that the apartment, the "agreement" between you both, wasn't dealt with fairly or equitably. Taking herself off the lease doesn't change your agreement for one hot second, ok? She's still responsible for wrapping things up because, well, she committed to it, and to you, and at the end of the day, even if we decide we can't be with someone anymore, we still have to do the right thing because we LIKE that person. We want them to do well. Things just "didn't work," is all. That's ok when seen in the larger scheme of things. Gary, there's a "friendship component" of marriage and it should *always* be the foundation of any romantic relationship. "Friends" should always try to do right by each other, even if their paths lead away from each other.
In retrospect,and to use an example of a potential solution, had the both of you discussed the rent after the separation and she agreed to pay her share for let's say, one month while she was living elsewhere and you were trying to figure out what to do, that may have helped provide you some sense of stability while you worked out a sustainable, long term solution which took into account you have a dog who has an unjustly bad rap with most landlords.
I think you got stuck in a most uncomfortable place on your own, friend, and I'm sorry it went down that way. While you're on respite, take a good hard look at this time and try to see the extenuating circumstances which affected your choices fairly, reasonably, and impartially so you avoid solely blaming her and solely blaming yourself, too. I think you're way too hard on yourself, Gary and those feelings build up and lead to bad stuff like anger and relapses, etc. Be kind to you. Broken relationships are never one person's fault and even though you've made mistakes, she has made them, too. You both have to look at it as a 50/50 split. Gary, you make mistakes, sure, but you can fix them. You can fix yourself. You can fix everything, though you may be walking a different path at the end of all this.
Above else, don't throw your wants and needs aside because you're "in love." That isn't fair to you or to her because it means you'll compromise essential parts of you for her. That will not fix the problem(s) and is not a sustainable solution(s), either. Think critically and reasonably about the past, present, and future, deal with yourself, herself, and others fairly and again, reasonably, and you'll be ok. You'll heal. You'll rebuild. You just gotta do the work on yourself. It ain't gonna be easy.
Sending you lots of love. I believe in you. Always have, always will.
Brenda
Wow! I have to say that I could not agree more with your comment. I really admire your honest feedback on here, it is awesome to see how many genuine caring and unique friends Gary has. I always really like your posts and find them wise and up front with a compassionate voice.
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