Thoughts

I haven't been writing here as much as I should. For some reason, for the past month or so I just haven't been able to get all my thoughts together enough to put them in text form.  In fact, this morning I was playing ball with Titan at the park and I had all these things running in my head that I really wanted to put in this blog, and now for the life of me I can't seem to get them out. Maybe the reason for that has to do with the dream I had last night. Without going into great detail, I relived the breakup and divorce all in one dream. It was very vivid. Felt real. Woke up in a horrible head space. Luckily Titan was right there and totally on top of the morning love. That dog... no idea how I could have gotten through this past year without him.

As for the divorce, the papers are signed. It was a shitty day, but I finally got the last of my things. I had to pick up the keys from her at work so I could get in the apt and I couldn't even say a word to her. I could barely look at her to get the keys from her. Just her being within a few feet of me made my stomach cramp and it felt like my heart deflated. Probably one of the worst feelings a human can feel. I don't suggest you try it.

I somehow made it through the holidays. I can't say it was without incident. A christmas night phone call went REALLY bad, and I'm the only one to blame for that. The realness of losing a wife and a family I loved dearly really hit me hard. Christmas is forever ruined for me. Not because of JUST this divorce, but so many other things. I'm not going into it right now, but believe me when I say have plenty of reason to not want to participate any longer.


***

OK... enough of the downer stuff. I can't have ya'll thinking that I'm still this horribly depressed soul who can't find a way out of the darkness of life any more. In fact, things are turning around for the better every day that I wake up.
It's been getting busier and busier at the shop lately. My clientele from over the past years are starting to come here more and more. I'm getting to do fun piercings on fun people. Can't really ask for much more when it come to work, can I? (well, I guess I can... but for now I won't)
My drinking has gotten to be not as much of an issue in my life right now. At the beginning of the year i stopped cold turkey, and kept it going for a bit. I found that I had two main problems with it. 1) I was drinking entirely too much, all the time. 2) If I tried to quit, I failed because I was quitting because someone else said I should. Now, the reasons for #1 are pretty clear. No real reason to go into the "why" of that. We'll just leave it at "trying to escape" for arguments sake. The more I do the work it takes to move on from the divorce, the less I feel the need to get annihilated every night. Besides, shit gets spendy. #2 was the bigger deal for me. At first, I was trying to quit in hopes that she would see my efforts and not want to continue the split. That didn't work, and quitting failed. Then I tried quitting because a friend or a family member wanted me to. Well, when they weren't around, I almost drank out of spite. That's just not good. Then I got to the point where I just got tired of feeling like shit all the time. I got sick of one of my friends having to tell me all the horrible things I would say when I was blacked out. The guilt I woke up with every morning was just getting to be too much to bear. It also hit me that if I wanted to better my situation in ANY way, something had to give. I know this is something obvious, but it took a bit to hit me. I found a way of thinking that seems to work for me.
Here it is: I can drink. I can NOT drink. Either way, it has to be MY choice. I'm tired of drinking to deal with the loss of her. I'm tired of drinking just because that's what I have been doing for so long. I'm tired of waking up feeling like shit, thus ruining my whole day.  
Pretty simple stuff if you ask me, but it totally works. Waking up feeling great and alert is pretty damn awesome. Kind of getting addicted to that. Having money in my pocket also is damn awesome.

Ok, shop is getting busy.. gotta go.
 

Mr. Popularity

Let me just say how amazing my birthday was. Holy CRAP it was a lot of fun. So many people came out. I found myself taking moments to step aside and really see this group of people for what it was... People from all walks of my life, from so many different time periods, coming together JUST for me. (and maybe free beer) There were a few people that didn't show for various reasons, but that is totally ok. They were there in spirit. There was one person who wasn't there for the first time in 7 years... i'm not going to get all down about this, but i will say that it bothered me that i didn't even get a phone call or email, and that is all the time i care to spend on that subject.

It's taken me almost a week to post about my bday because i've been locked in some pretty deep thought about a myriad of different subjects. Relationships, job, living situation, money, location, health, family, motivation...etc. It feels very overwhelming. I suppose i've been doing this since early this year, but it seems like it hit me pretty hard over the past week. I definitely had the thought of "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" over and over.

The answer, and this came as a shock to me even though it's the most basic "correct" answer ever, and should already have slapped me in the face... is:
'You are currently picking up the useful pieces of your recently failed life, leaving the crappy stuff behind, and beginning the process of making your new life."

Now, like i said, this should be a huge no brainer. I mean, of COURSE that's what i'm doing. I've even said this here in my blog a few times. how the hell did this come as such a slap in the face this past week? i mean, i already knew this...

or did i?

The fact of the matter is, No.. i did NOT "know" this. i wasn't working on anything. i wasn't "doing the next right thing". i may have thought i was, said i was, and acted in public that i was. if i look at my actions for the past 6 months or so i can clearly see that i wasn't. I mean, i got a job right away, found a place right away, and then.... stopped. i stopped working on myself, stopped trying to get my own place, stopped caring about making any more money than exactly the amount i needed to get by. i now believe that in the back of my head i truely believed that i was going to get back with the ex, and retain my old life. i believed that "this is just a phase, and it's going to go back to how it was in just a little bit". this is the furthest thing from the truth and what i really need to be thinking.

So now i'm in this frame of mind where i don't want the question of "what are you doing with your life" to exactly leave, but to stay and grow. I'm tired of asking myself "what are you going to do today? you've got x number of hours to kill, what can you do that doesn't involve trouble?" don't get me wrong, i'm still gonna have my dark days. i always have. i'm still gonna eat dinners alone and sit in parks all by myself. i don't think that'll ever change, and these things will still continue to bum me out. but i'm starting to think that i need to bum myself out every now and then so that the other times are that much better.


At my birthday party, i found myself asking myself how i could always feel so utterly alone when i have so many people in my life that love me for me and WANT to be in my life? i suppose the answer is just two words....My Focus.

So now begins a new focus. not exactly sure what that means, but it sure sounds right.

Almost There

So the past week or so has been a little hectic and also a bit soothing. At first I was getting bummed out on money issues, but then something in me flipped a switch and I came to a conclusion. I am ALWAYS going to have crappy money issues and I just need to roll with it. Stressing out doesn't do me any good and I just end up putting myself in a bad mood for days on end. Hopefully I can keep this in my head for a while.

My old phone got shut off, and it needed to. It was a final step in leaving an aspect of my "old life". The new phone is fun, and after almost two weeks of beautiful silence it was refreshing to have a new one. It also helped me not be so bummed about...

My laptop is kinda fried. It's stuck in a reboot cycle I can't seem to get out of. Gonna work on that in the next few days to see if I can get it working again. I really enjoyed having it, so I was pretty bummed when it took a shit on me. So far the thing has been nothing but problems, but the good parts about it outweigh the bad so I guess I'm not too bummed. Like I said, the new phone is helping me not be as bummed.

I was also having a string of bike problems. The great thing about riding a track bike is that it is very minimalistic. The bad thing is that it's so minimalistic that if just one part breaks, the whole bike is rendered useless. No bueno. Oh well. It's better than paying for a new starter, engine, etc. I suppose it's really just a first world problem.

I also decided to go against something I said in a previous blog. I suppose I'm going to actually do something for my birthday. I wanted to be the grumpy depressed guy this winter, but something in me is fighting in. Maybe my subconscious is trying to take over and get me though things. It would make sense. So I'm having a party at my place on my birthday night after work. It'll be nice to be around a lot of friends and NOT be out at a bar or something.

Still not feeling Christmas tho. I'm perfectly ok with this. I haven't really liked this holiday in almost 15 years. Quite a few things have helped seal the deal on that one in that time as well. The holiday just isn't what it was when I was younger, and it seems like it never will be again. I could go into a long rant about how I'm not religious, or I hate being a consumer whore, or a myriad of other reasons why I don't like it, but the fact of the matter is that the main reason is it just makes me sad, and makes me feel like an utter failure at the same time. Not a good combo.

With it being so slow at the shop lately, I don't really see how I'm going to be able to save enough money to move to PDX by Jan. Unless something really awesome happens, it's probably gonna be a bit longer. I do see myself getting up there for a visit in the next month. Hopefully just staying positive about the move will help generate good karma and make things happen.

 Since the only people who really read this blog are from my FB page, if you need my new number just send me a message and I'll get back to you. In fact, I think I'll just put it on my FB info page. yeah... there we go.

OK kids, until next time.

Keys

My Mom once told me that you could tell how much responsibility someone has by how many keys they have on their key chain. That stuck with me my whole life, and it's totally been true for me. Before all this change happened in my life, I was actually complaining on how many keys I had. It was uncomfortable having them in my pocket. As of right now, I have 3 keys. Two of which are bike lock keys, and one house key. For some reason this really bothers me. It's just a constant reminder of all that has gone south in my life over the past year. While I'll admit that things have slowly gotten a little better, I know that I won't feel on top of things until my key chain gets a few more keys hanging off of it. Things that need to happen to change this are 1) working at the shop long enough to get keys and 2) getting my own apartment. Both of these things are so up in the air right now, and that leads me into the next part of this blog...


Some of you know about this already, most others do not. Things aren't set in stone yet, but they are plans that I would like to see happen...

After the first of the year, I want to move to Portland, Oregon.

I've spent all of my life living in California, minus a few years here and there living in Texas. The two places I've spent most of my time in are the Bay Area, and Sacramento. I've got amazing friends and family in both areas, and I love them dearly. However, these places are also filled with bad memories. So much so that they actually outweigh the good memories. I would love to be in the bay area and not be reminded of my fathers passing every time I see a place we have been to. I would love to go around sac and not see 2 failed marriages and my mothers passing around every corner. Sac also has other painful memories I'll refrain from bringing up here, but I'm just over the constant reminder.

The past year has brought so much change into my life and I've tried fighting it the whole way through. Recently I've decided to try a new approach and just go with it. If things are gonna change, why not change EVERYTHING? Get a fresh new start. It just sounds like it's the right move. Like I said earlier, it's not set in stone, but it's an eventual goal.

It's not that I hate being here or anything. In fact this is one of the better times I've lived in Sac (lived here 5 different times!!!!). My room mates are awesomely amazing. My friends are super supportive and even when I try to be a hermit and let the dark cloud overtake me, they push their way through it and help lift me up. The shop I'm working at has great people working there and I really enjoy their company while working. Titan likes having a back yard and other dogs around, and probably loves going to parks that don't have a million bums in them like SF did.

I feel like I'm just kinda spinning my wheels out here. I can't seem to get on top of things. I'm feeling like it's because I'm not really giving it the chance it needs because of all the bad feelings I get about being here, things that have happened here, and the reason I'm back here. A full change of pace and scenery would really help out in this aspect. Going somewhere totally new to me just sounds like a great idea. I could be wrong, but there's only one way to find out.

Phone Is Off

For those of you that didn't check FB today, my phone is shut off. I knew it was coming and I had the chance to keep it from being shut off but 1) I didn't have the money and 2) I doubt AT&T would allow me a new account with them since I owe them money from a phone way back when.

Anyway, hopefully I'll have a new number soon. Until then it's gonna be a quiet week.

The Big Update

Well, it's time. Time for the first blog in quite a while. All the proper parameters have been met. Laptop: Check Wireless: Check Proper Inspiration: Check.

So what is going on? Well, as of right now I'm working at Sacramento Tattoo & Piercing, living in Tahoe Park just outside of downtown Sac, and basically scraping by right now. I'm still trying to get out of the hole I dug for myself months ago. It's not easy, it gets me down, and I fucking hate it. The upside to this is I feel like I'm actually coming  out of the hole. In fact, I almost feel out of it.

Being back in sac is kinda weird. I like it, and I hate it at the same time. It's really awesome being around friends I've had for so long, that I know I can count on for those words of wisdom I always seem to get from them. I missed my old hangouts, but they've changed in ways that I know aren't good for me. I love sac, but this isn't really where I feel like I should be right now. No, scratch that. Right NOW I should be in sac. However, in a very short time, I will be moving on. More about that in another blog.

As for the marriage... it's completely over. She doesn't want to work things out, and frankly neither do I. I guess I had some pretty heavy blinders on about our relationship for the past couple of years. As much as I wanted to work things out, the more I was away from her and the more I thought about things, the more I came to the conclusion that we just don't belong together. The real bitch of it is, when I try to think back to where it started to go wrong, I see that it happened even before we got married. That's a hard pill to swallow.

I guess I've grown up thinking that I NEEDED to get married, that I was SUPPOSED to get married. Well, after two failed marriages, I've found that obviously that isn't the case. I could go into a long tangent about how marriage is outdated, and came from a time when people barely lived beyond 40 years, but I'll save that for some other angsty time. However, this doesn't really change my inner need to be connected to someone. Yet another subject for a later date.

I guess the real topper to everything that's going on is that we're in the beginning of the holiday season. It's my most hated part of the year, much like many of you. I used to LOVE this time of year when I was younger. Over the years, I've had nothing but reasons to hate it. Over the past 7 years, I slowly started to like it, mainly because of my mother in law. This year that ended and I see myself just hating this time of year even more. All it reminds me of is loss and failure. This year is packing an extra punch of that. I know that I'll do Thanksgiving with my sister, but that's all I'm committing to. I don't really want to do anything on my birthday, and I want NOTHING to do with xmas. NOTHING. I know this bothers family and friends, but if they truly knew how I felt, they might leave me alone about it.

So here's when most people reading this are saying "Gary, suck it up and move on. Get happy, find a hobby, and pull yourself up."

Well, first things first... it's so EASY to SAY that shit. Doing it is a totally different thing. I can be a very positive person, most people know this. But when things go bad, depression hits like a black blanket of magnificent proportions. It's heavy, it's consuming, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. That said, I seem to have found at least a little bit of a way to shoo it off. I'm trying, believe me. I HATE being like this. Sad fucking sucks.

I've had a few people really help me out lately. Some of them came outta the woodwork, and some have been there for quite a while. In no particular order I'd like to thank Michelle, Chalon, Rochelle, Val, Mel, Benny, Brandon, Jackie, Kheri, Lindsey(x2), Chris, Albie, Loren, Jon, Jimbo, Jalynn, Kelle & Travis, Jeremy,  Stephanie, and whoever else I've forgotten. (i feel like i'm accepting an award)

ok. till next time.

Back In Business!

Hello blog readers. I know it's been quite a while since I've been able to write in here, but I got a laptop a couple days ago so now it's GAME ON!