The Big Update

Well, it's time. Time for the first blog in quite a while. All the proper parameters have been met. Laptop: Check Wireless: Check Proper Inspiration: Check.

So what is going on? Well, as of right now I'm working at Sacramento Tattoo & Piercing, living in Tahoe Park just outside of downtown Sac, and basically scraping by right now. I'm still trying to get out of the hole I dug for myself months ago. It's not easy, it gets me down, and I fucking hate it. The upside to this is I feel like I'm actually coming  out of the hole. In fact, I almost feel out of it.

Being back in sac is kinda weird. I like it, and I hate it at the same time. It's really awesome being around friends I've had for so long, that I know I can count on for those words of wisdom I always seem to get from them. I missed my old hangouts, but they've changed in ways that I know aren't good for me. I love sac, but this isn't really where I feel like I should be right now. No, scratch that. Right NOW I should be in sac. However, in a very short time, I will be moving on. More about that in another blog.

As for the marriage... it's completely over. She doesn't want to work things out, and frankly neither do I. I guess I had some pretty heavy blinders on about our relationship for the past couple of years. As much as I wanted to work things out, the more I was away from her and the more I thought about things, the more I came to the conclusion that we just don't belong together. The real bitch of it is, when I try to think back to where it started to go wrong, I see that it happened even before we got married. That's a hard pill to swallow.

I guess I've grown up thinking that I NEEDED to get married, that I was SUPPOSED to get married. Well, after two failed marriages, I've found that obviously that isn't the case. I could go into a long tangent about how marriage is outdated, and came from a time when people barely lived beyond 40 years, but I'll save that for some other angsty time. However, this doesn't really change my inner need to be connected to someone. Yet another subject for a later date.

I guess the real topper to everything that's going on is that we're in the beginning of the holiday season. It's my most hated part of the year, much like many of you. I used to LOVE this time of year when I was younger. Over the years, I've had nothing but reasons to hate it. Over the past 7 years, I slowly started to like it, mainly because of my mother in law. This year that ended and I see myself just hating this time of year even more. All it reminds me of is loss and failure. This year is packing an extra punch of that. I know that I'll do Thanksgiving with my sister, but that's all I'm committing to. I don't really want to do anything on my birthday, and I want NOTHING to do with xmas. NOTHING. I know this bothers family and friends, but if they truly knew how I felt, they might leave me alone about it.

So here's when most people reading this are saying "Gary, suck it up and move on. Get happy, find a hobby, and pull yourself up."

Well, first things first... it's so EASY to SAY that shit. Doing it is a totally different thing. I can be a very positive person, most people know this. But when things go bad, depression hits like a black blanket of magnificent proportions. It's heavy, it's consuming, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. That said, I seem to have found at least a little bit of a way to shoo it off. I'm trying, believe me. I HATE being like this. Sad fucking sucks.

I've had a few people really help me out lately. Some of them came outta the woodwork, and some have been there for quite a while. In no particular order I'd like to thank Michelle, Chalon, Rochelle, Val, Mel, Benny, Brandon, Jackie, Kheri, Lindsey(x2), Chris, Albie, Loren, Jon, Jimbo, Jalynn, Kelle & Travis, Jeremy,  Stephanie, and whoever else I've forgotten. (i feel like i'm accepting an award)

ok. till next time.