Book Worm

I wanted to write all about my awesome day I had yesterday when I sat down to the computer tonight. Actually, I wanted to do it last night but I passed out on the couch after a long, wonderful day with the lady. It's been decided that yesterday was just for her and I, so no real details. What I can say is this... Awesome 2nd Session, Delicious Lunch, Comfortable Walks, and my first ever Giants Game!!! That's all you get folks... run with it. I sure did.

Then I wanted to write about work, and I quickly dismissed that. No thank you.

Then, while looking for something to blather about on here, I decided to check my email. Normally my email is pretty uneventful Viagra, Cialias ads, Breast enlargement, AARP ads (those feel great as i get close to only 37yo), and then a multitude of the normal junk mail. However, today got to be different because as I logged in I saw I had an email from my Grandma (Groma for those of you in the know). She let me know that she was really happy to hear that I was working on things in my life and that Suzie and I were working on things. She imparted some good advice, and it was a nice email to read.

BUT!....

 She did say one thing in there that stuck to me like white on rice. It's something I've been told before, thought about, but always brushed off to the side. For some reason, my Groma telling me this made it stand out so much more.

(Now.. Groma, if you're reading this, and I think you are, I really hope you don't mind me quoting you in my blog)

This is the part of the email she sent me : "Have you ever thought about writing a book? ( No, I'm not kidding) You seem to have inherited your Mom's gift for words (some aren't too hot) and you can express your inner feelings and thoughts to the point that you have created a very captive following.  Everyone seems to know that you are trying to work some things out in your life and without getting down to the nitty-gritty of things you skirt around the subject very cleverly to the point that they want to read more. (very creative writing)  Pick a subject, person, place or thing and let the feelings flow."Try it, you might like it". "


Um... Holy Shit? (probably some of those words that "aren't too hot" for her).

I remember being a kid and wanting nothing more that to be a writer. I wanted to come up with the stories I was reading growing up. Sometimes I would write short stories and anytime I let someone read them, they loved them. However, I've thrown every last one of those away. Written in the moment and forgotten before the crumbled paper stopped crackling from being forced into the smallest ball I could form with my angry hands. My stories never amounted to much in my own head after I wrote them. I always felt the lacked so much. However, I will say that with my blog writing (this blog, and my old myspace blog that is now lost in cyberspace never to be seen again) that there has been quite a bit of stuff that I've gone back to reread and really liked what I did.

So my problem with this is...obviously the main question I'd have if I decided to write a book is, "what would a write about?" Well, the obvious answer is, after writing out the past few paragraphs, is... "Write about your life." I'm sorry, but that just doesn't seem like interesting subject matter to the masses.
Rock bios?
sure.
Suspense Novels?
of course!
"The Life & Times of Gary Vargas, Jr"?
I don't think that would be all that fun of a read. I mean, I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my day, but there are plenty of books out there about MUCH more interesting and important people out there for people to spend their off time reading about.

So, I guess I'm back to the main question... "What would I write about?" Obviously writing a book isn't removed from my mind. In fact, it sounds like a great way to continue to try to get back on track with sobriety and recovery. (which by the way I'm not doing that great with, but I'm also not failing at).

I donno, maybe I'll just stick to this blog and think that a grandmothers flattery is always uplifting. Titan is bugging me to take him out. 11:30pm trip to Civic Center for some ball time should be fun.

G'night.

Round 2... DING!

So tomorrow is our second session. I actually enjoyed our last "after session" so much that I made sure to take the day off tomorrow. I want the ability for us to spend the day talking about the things that came up in our session, good or bad.  I do realize that neither of us might want this, or only one half of us will. That's ok, I'm also thinking that if we don't talk after, I might just need some time to myself

Something unexpected happened today.  We were talking on the phone while she was riding home on bart and it got too loud to here. we ended up having to get off the phone early. bummer, right? well, I get a text shortly after telling me how bummed she is that we had to get off the phone, and that she'd call me as soon as she got home.

HOLY FUCK!

I can't even describe how awesome it is to hear that 1) she was WANTING to be on the phone with me and 2) that she WANTED to get back in touch with me as soon as possible.

Now, as awesome as that is, I know we can't just BE around each other right now. (well, I totally think we can be, but i'm not sure she feels that way). We need to relearn how to be a couple that is in love.

That last line has me scared as shit. What if we CAN'T relearn that? What if we just do all the work to find out later down the line that we need to be as far away from eachother as possible.

what if?

what if....?


ok. I need to go to bed. I need to stop dwelling in this not so productive place.

Fear! It's what's for dinner!

ok, i need to get this out. am i embracing all of this because i just want to see her again? am i doing it because i'm alone and i miss her? is she just lonely and reaching out to me because i'm the closest thing to something comfortable for her?

so my initial response to that is, "no gary, that's not what seemed to go down the other day during the session". however, i've had a whole day to sit and dwell and not hear from her (only because she's busy, not because she's ignoring me). when that happens, of COURSE i sit there and let my mind wander. i'm my own worst enemy.

i hope she really wants this. i'm letting down a wall that i just spent the past two months putting up.i still have blood and dirt under my fingernails from building the wall. i almost feel like i just set up a bunch of dominoes as walls, and i'm just leaning against the first one for support.


Tuesday morning is our next session. the first session was a bunch of questions i really didn't want to deal with. i can only imagine how fucked up the questions from the second session are gonna be. after all, we're "digging" for the answers to the shitty questions, right? well, in my experience with  any sort of digging, it's hard work.


i can't even explain how much i just want to see her right now, but at the same time, i don't want to see her until tuesday morning. i've actually become somewhat used to her NOT being there. in fact, it might be obvious that when she IS around me i lose all sense of direction and i just forget all the progress i've had on my own. is just seeing her going to ruin my ability to think clearly about all of this?  what if after a week of hanging out together one of us decides that working on this isn't a good idea? i highly doubt i'll be able to deal with that, especially if i'm the one who had so come to that conclusion. 

what if we work on this...and i think it's going well, and i find out one day that she doesn't think it's going well by finding all of her stuff moved out again?(this thought is what is haunting me right now)


someone once told me that there was a study that said that if you didn't see the face of your partner every day when waking up, you were such percentage more likely to want to leave. i kinda wish i never had that put in my head, because it's all i really think about in the mornings.

now, with that said, how conflicted am i? i feel this need to just "see" her every day so that we're fresh in each others minds.... but i want us to forget about eachother enough to want desire to come back in our lives. WHAT THE FUCK GARY?! ask the impossible why don't you? i think i'm setting myself up for failure in the ways i'm expecting this relationship to go. ungh. maybe i should just go to bed and rethink this all tomorrow. i spent too much of the day drinking coffee... now i know why the counselor asked if we drink caffeine.

my days off went by too fast.  

am i sleeping?

i must be asleep. i have to be. wait... no... when i sleep i have shitty dreams and i tear up the bed. so i guess i'm NOT asleep. so that means i'm not just having an awesome dream. i really did go through yesterday. i really did see her all day yesterday. i really did wake up this morning with her right next to me. that shit actually happened. what the fuck?!

i probably won't get to see her again until our next counseling session, which is tuesday morning. i think that's ok because i've got to process everything from yesterday and up to this morning.


***

totally different subject. i am getting a LOT of messages from ya'll about my blog not showing up, not being able to see it, the bookmark doesn't bring it up, etc. i'm not computer/webbernet savvy enough to give any tips or tricks. i will say that i haven't done anything different on my end. didn't change a damn thing. i have no idea what's going on. hopefully someone has an idea of what's happening or this shit just works itself out.

...wow.

holy shit! today was fucking awesome!!!

so the session went well. it was hard as fuck and there were tears and shitty things to have to say, but it's what's needed.

"so have there been any major situations that might have had an impact on your relationship?"
fuck... now we have to talk about the miscarriage. i don't want to do this.

"so tell me about past drug/alcohol use/abuse."
fuck..not that question. please. i don't want to do this.

"so tell me a little about your childhood."
oh god, please no. not that subject. i can't talk about that. i don't want to do this.



but i did. i talked about it to someone i don't even know. how the fuck i did it is baffling me.  actually, no... it's not. i did it because that person i love so much was sitting right next to me, needing us to go through this shit to fix us.


i'll admit, i felt like a piece of shit after having to describe "me" to this person. everything i said i kinda took a step back and said to myself, "dude, you're a fucking mess. no wonder this shit is happening. how can you expect to fix this when you're so broken yourself?" but...it did something. it got it out a little. i had to put a stop to the childhood question after only a few sentences in, but she said that that was ok and we could get back to it later. we're slated for weekly sessions. i'll give it at least two more sessions before i decide if i like this therapist. the first thing both suzie and i thought was "she's too young" because she's younger than both of us. sounds like a weird problem, but i just thought we'd have someone with a few more years on us. i don't want to be an "ageist" about this, so i'm gonna be open to it.

after the session, something very unexpected happened. we gave eachother a really long, warm hug in the lobby, and then spent the rest of the day together at the park with Titan. we talked. we didn't talk. we sat next to each other. i watched her draw. she watched me play with Titan. it.was.awesome.

step one: SUCCESS!

and so it begins

oh, here's some honesty.

fucking scared to death that i'm going to go to these counseling sessions only to find out that i'm the reason all of this is wrong. i'm told over and over that this is NOT how these things work out, but i guess i have to see for myself. my stomach is burning. my hands are trembling. i still have an hour and a half to shut this shit down before we do this. i need to focus. i need some coffee. i definitely need a shower.

i've lost count on how many of you have contacted me in the past few days to tell me your stories about doing counseling with your loved ones and how well it worked for you.from the pit of my currently burning stomach, i thank you so much. i'm finding i've got some pretty close friends in people i didn't even realize. you people make me cry... fucking knock it off! (it's in a good way tho)

pretty sure i'm gonna ride my bike till my legs fall off after this. then i'm gonna run titan until his legs fall off. then the both of us are gonna crawl home legless and do laundry. that's if my nerves calm the fuck down and allow me to do anything.

Hello... Mic Check... Is anyone here?

Ya'll are allowed to comment on my posts. I'm really relying on advice these days!!!

....*coughs*...ahem....SHE FUCKING VISITED ME!

Today started out with Titan and I finding out that the dog park we go to every morning is now under renovation for at least the next 3 months. Great. Next closest park is up some lame hills and further away. Joy!

But the main point of this entry is this.... She came to the shop to visit me today!

But there is more...

She had just gotten her hair done. She put the red back in. When we first met, she had red and black hair. It just drives me insane. What's even weirder right now is that I recently change my appearance back to when I first met her. Shaved head, no beard, steel jewelry in my ears. It can't be coincidence that we both did this recently. I know I didn't do it with this idea in my head, but I can't speak for her. Regardless, it's fucking awesome.

Anyway, she came by the shop and we took a walk around the block. We didn't talk about anything heavy, just about the day to day things. I even took her aside, asked her to stand on a step (eye level) and got a really awesome hug and a small kiss. I fucking melted inside. We continued around the block and back to the shop where we decided I was gonna get to put some new jewelry in her septum. I have to say, I get to be proud that I got to make her just a touch better looking today. Rose gold rings in her septum look pretty badass!

We're hopefully slated for a counseling apt on Thursday if we can get in. Otherwise it's a lunch date.

Can Wednesday hurry up and be done with already?

The Morning After Pill... hard to get down.

So waking up this morning, after last nights conversation with her, I'm feeling even less at ease. In fact, I feel like she might never be able to get on board with this relationship in a manner that would benefit both of us. She's just so removed from me. Anything I do is going to be "too much, too fast, too soon" for her. Now,of course I'll hear from some of you saying, "she's scared gary, she just needs time." well guess what? I'm fucking scared too! The one person that can help put the fire out in those fears seems to want nothing to do with me in an emotional or physical level. We seem to be at a wall. she needs to have time and and wants to go on dates and counseling and wants to "rebuild" all of that, but I'm already there, and it really bothers me that she needs all of that just to be able to even get started on the things I need. we're both entitled to our feelings and needs of how to do this...I'm just getting out my thoughts about this. It's not like I'm NOT going to try to rebuild this... but what if later down the road after I've put my all into this and she STILL isn't affectionate with me? What if we still can't get that connection back? would this mean that I was right in the first place that if the initial spark isn't there in the first place, why try? I don't want to be right about this... even a little. 

Damn I hate this shit. It's so confusing and my brain is already on overtime without pay.

We (hopefully) have our first counseling session on Thursday. I'm not sure if I should refrain from contacting her until then or not. Maybe I'll just leave the ball in her court and see what happens.I still don't get the vibe that she reads this so it's not like I'm telling her to do so.

Ok, time to get ready for work.

overdue post is overdue

I'm supposed to be writing in this blog often. If i kept it up, I'd be more willing to write right now, but there is just so much going on right now that I don't have it in me to get it all out right now.

here are the basics:

1) going away for the weekend was the best possible thing I could have done. it centered me in ways that I haven't felt in ages. Loving friends, open skies, working in the dirt and sun, dogs running in packs... it was amazing. I want to go back there and never return. don't think for a moment that I'm not seriously thinking about doing just that. In fact, I'm now trying to find the reasons NOT to move out there.

2) I'm learning quite a bit about myself, my emotions, and the way I deal with them. Having a sounding board lately has been amazing. getting good advice from a fresh source is always helpful. but having someone watch you act in a certain way and then call you out on it when you didn't even know you were doing it is damn near priceless. for that I thank you, and ya know who you are.

3) Suzie and I are are as of two nights ago, on speaking terms again. Saturday night was a really good night, but I found that I was way more agreeable to things that I wasn't totally on board for just because I was overwhelmed with seeing her and being able to just talk to her without us yelling or fighting. In fact, I even commented on how nice it was just to be walking next to her again. We had a really good night, aside from a dead car battery, and I headed home on bart. the following two days were just a emotional nightmare. my mind was all over the place, and is still in that state now. she came over at about 10pm to talk and left about 45 min ago. without the details, we are trying to work on things. there are some very basic needs that need to be met before we can continue, but we're working on it.

Believe me, I would much rather elaborate on this so much that I get it all out, but truth be told I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. Part of me is telling me to just keep going in the direction I was working for after she left, because I was making good ground. the other part of me wants to just run to her and agree to everything just so we can be together again. of course, there's a lot in between, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I'm so unsure of everything right now. well, maybe not everything. I'm very sure I can still smell her in this apartment and she left now about an hour ago. I'm very sure that I will be going to be alone, still smelling that vanilla scent of hers in the air. And I am EXTREMELY sure that tonight will not be a good night of slumber.

Not a good night...

I thought I was doing pretty good with all this the past few days. I was wrong. Decided to go to my local bar and had someone tell me "hey, word hit of what happened, can i buy you a shot?"

holy fuck that sucked. people are talking about this.... without me. FUCK! that is so fucking painful. especailly after the shots i chose to have after that. i fucking hate this.

on a side note, there is ONE thing in my life that is making this less horrible. i can't really explain what it is, because i don't fully understand what it is right now....but it's making me focus. i hope this continues.

my mellow music for this type of situation hasn't changed since about 1998 or so.. listening to the same mellow "break up" music is rough... but still somehow works. i need something different.

she hasn't called or emailed me at all. she fucking hates me. this isn't exactly what ran through my head saturday morning Sept 1st 2007.

i'm going to bed.

eating the spoonful of caster oil...

FUCK. I hate what I just did. Not because it was a bad thing to do, but because it hurt so bad to do it, and it was totally necessary. Sometimes, you gotta do shit that sucks, and this was one of them.

I not only deleted her  from my facebook page, but I also blocked her. why? because every time I see her name pop up, my mind goes fucking ballistic.every time I see her doing something, my mind goes into horrible places that I just shouldn't be dwelling in. It sucks for me and it's unfair to her, even if I don't mention it to her. So, in the idea that this will help me 1) get past some of this and 2) get me to not put my mind in shitty places, I felt I had to do this. It can be temporary, or it can be permanent. At least the option is there.

DAMN IT! I still feel shitty about this. I feel like I've turned off a possibility that this might work out. However, nothing she's shown me has even hinted to her wanting to do that, so I have to take the steps to move on. My struggle is: Do I maintain the constant shitstorm to try with every last breath to try to make this not happen, or do I (as my tattoo says), "Go With The Flow" and just accept that she doesn't want to ever be with me again and I just need to fucking realize that? Well, of course when I write it out like that, the answer is pretty damn obvious, but the part of my heart that is bleeding doesn't really agree.

I had some amazing conversation with my absolutely dearest friend yesterday. The kind of conversation you really only have with maybe one or two people in your life, ever. Luckily for me, this is just how we talk. We just get the shit out as real as possible. It's funny, when I talk to him, I find myself saying the things I truly feel, but it's almost like I'm hearing it for the first time. So therapeutic. Maybe my major sweat last night while sleeping was because through conversation with him I was able to get a lot of shit out, and this was my bodies way of purging the other crap at the same time. who knows.

So as it now stands, this blog would be the only way she would have to know of what I'm thinking/doing, and as it stands I have no way of doing that for her. I doubt she's actually reading this. If she is, I highly doubt it's a fun thing for her to be doing. So now we've gone from being two people who were supposed to share everything, to two people that share nothing, and never see or talk to eachother. I think that might be the worst part of all of this.

Goodnight, I'm spent.

Time to Focus, again.

This was a pretty amazing weekend. I actually feel guilty about it. I think it's because I had all this fun without her. All weekend, I felt like she was just standing behind me, or out of sight, but hanging out with the same group of friends. Then it would hit me that she wasn't there. God, I need to get that out of me somehow. Here I was with my most dear friends this weekend, and I'm supposed to be having all this fun (which I totally did), but still reeling on the inside about something that I just can't change.

The night terrors haven't stopped either. Last night was pretty bad. I tore one final hole in my bottom sheet, thus making them useless and they need to be tossed. I also sweat completely through my clothes, twice. I woke up once wondering why I was so cold only to find myself soaked and in almost a puddle of sweat. Got up, changed, and went back to bed only to enter into the same dreams and wake up 2 hours later drenched again. Gotta do more laundry tonight after work or I won't have any sheets to sleep one. down the the last set. I really need this to stop.

I also need to get back into focus. I drank pretty heavily Friday night at the beach. I should have curbed myself, or not drank at all. It's putting me in a mindset when I'm alone that I don't want to be in. Bad decisions happen when that goes down. I need to not do that.

I donno how work is gonna be today. My body hurts and feels weird right now from last nights slumber. I obviously didn't get the rest that I need to start my work week. I also feel like if I try to drink some coffee to wake up, I'll be a jittery piercer. No bueno. Superfood, do your job please.

Ok. Enough for now. Off to work.

BEACH TIME!

Tonight is gonna be awesome. I am so in love with the past two days. If this is any indication on how I'm gonna be moving on, then bring it on!!!

Today is the day, or was it yesterday?

So yesterday I said that I was gonna start out fresh today, but it seems to have started yesterday afternoon. Well, it's in full swing today. Woke up a bit late but that's alright. Time to get moving. Got a lot of shit to do today.

I hate math

OK, Today just didn't add up for me. How is it even possible for me to have been in the head space I was in this morning. and then have such an awesome day after that I'm still smiling. WHY IS THE HUMAN BRAIN SO WEIRD?!

Damn, great day once Noon hit. Wow. I really needed this. The ramen place was soooo good. Got to have good food and great company. Then, went to go hang out at one place, and ended up back at another friends house playing music for a while. Now I'm home, Titan is totally spent, and I think I'm going to treat myself to an SF night time bike ride.

Pretty sure today is the product of all the positivity ya'll have been sending me lately in the way of emails, posts here, texts, voicemails, and visits. I've never been one to hide my feelings from my friends, so ya'll already know this...but...


I fucking love you. You, the person reading this sentence right now. I couldn't be where I am mentally without you. THANK YOU!

Now... time to suit up and head out!

Very Unexpected!

Ok, so I'm supposed to be all bummed out, right? Nope! Had an interesting twist of the day.

So, around 12:30 or so, I decided to take Titan down to the dog park we have in our building. More of a dog run really. Anyway, as I was coming out, my across the hall neighbor was bringing her dog Charlie out. AWESOME! Another dog for Titan to play with. So we go down to the park and low and behold, there are two other dogs and owners down there as well.One of which was one of my neighbors that we've sort of become passing friends because he too has a pitbull. She's about 10-11 months old and her name is Elle. Titan... LOVES her. LOVE LOVE LOVES her. So he's stoked.

As the dogs are playing, I got to sit with 3 other people that aren't connected to my marriage. Well, he KINDA is because she's met him and his girlfriend several times, but I wouldn't call them one of our "couple friends", if you know what I mean. So we all sat there, and talked as people do when they are in a group setting. It felt really good to just not have to think about the events going on in my life and just "shoot the shit" with some people. The problem I've been having is, I have a lot of people that want to be there for me, but they also want to talk about what is going on. Honestly, I didn't realize that was a problem until today.

Well, after the dogs got to play for about 30-40 min the other two people left, and I was just hanging out with Elle's owner. Her and Titan were just going ape shit, and I got to have good conversation. Well, that escalated to us going over to his place and checking out his animation he's working on, and then over to my place to play some xbox. I can't even explain how awesome it was to just hang out with a guy friend, doing guy shit. Not only that, but also making a passing friendship into one that looks like it's gonna be a good friend. Best part is, he's not some douchebag from a bar or something. Him and his girlfriend are both really awesome people.

So I unexpectedly feel really positive right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still bummed about this morning, but somehow I was sent a pick-me-up that I wasn't expecting. I really hope situations like this continue to happen, and I'm sure I already know they will.

I think I might make some chili w/ mac n' cheese. Maybe i'll add some bacon or sausage to it. mmmmm, probably bacon.

C'ya!

she just left...

so she just came and took the kitty. everything of hers is now gone. i almost lost it completely. today is going to be a very depressing day. scratch that... it IS a very depressing day. tomorrow, i'll start this life with her totally out of my life, but for today i'm putting blankets on the windows and i'm gonna crawl in a corner of my head and stay there.

world, i'll see you tomorrow.

Nightmares.

So, there is this little known thing about me that I'm going to share today. This won't be comfortable, but this blog is all about being honest... so here we go.

When I experience loss in my life, I get extreme night terrors. You know how normally in a nightmare you can find a way to either wake yourself up, or somehow change the dream? yeah, I don't get that option. I'm stuck in it till the alarm goes off or my mind thinks I've had enough. When it's a death, they are totally unmanageable. i wake up crying, screaming, and scratching the shit out of myself. luckily, I've only really had to deal with that twice.

But when it's loss of a relationship, it's still pretty bad, but workable.

I woke up this morning with 3 holes torn in my sheets and pillow. While I WAS covered in sweat, I wasn't crying or screaming when I woke up, I hope. If track records are true, I've got another week or so of this coming. I won't go into detail of what the dreams are about, because they won't make sense to anyone but me, but know that they are intense and no one would want these visions in their head.


I'm not sure why I'm actually sharing this. In fact, I'm sitting here staring at this thinking I shouldn't post it.

let's try this writing thing again

Ok, yesterday was a pretty dark day. In fact, the past 3 days have been really bad. Not really making the best choices for moving forward. Someone recently said in a post here that I need to see the triggers of my drinking. I found two of them. Talking to her, and Wednesday nights. Talking to her just seems to completely destroy everything I'm trying to do. I'm not placing the blame ON her, not at all. I'm just seeing that when I talk to her, I completely lose it. I can't articulate myself anywhere close to what I had earlier planned on. I get really angry. I yell. I say really stupid shit. In fact, every time I talk to her I ruin my chances that much more of this ever being worked out. When she called me Thrusday afternoon to tell me it was absolutely over, it was probably mainly due to how I reacted to her Wednesday night.

Speaking of Wednesday nights, they are my second trigger. I get restless yet I don't really want to be around anyone. Maybe it doesn't help much that the past two Wednesday nights had bad situations happen with her, but I end up buying beer and just drinking at home. I drink and I clean this apartment. I can't believe how much I've been cleaning lately. This place is so small and there's even one less person in it now. I guess mostly I'm cleaning out all the nooks and crannies where a lot of her stuff was. Her hair is in EVERYTHING. I swear, I've cleaned up enough of her hair to weave my own life size doll of her. I guess I'm just trying to get all of her out of here, so maybe I can cut down on the amount of reminders I have of her around me.


This next week is going to be pretty tight for me monetarily. Mismanaged my money by about $80. damn it! I really need to get better at this. A much cheaper apartment would really be helpful. I work tomorrow so I'm sure I'll make enough tips to cover my ass and get back in the positive. I need to work out a budget for ONLY ME for the first time ever. This is weird.

Alrighty then. I think this was a bit more therapeutic than last nights post. 

downward spiral

it hasn't been a very good couple of days. the talk a wednesday night went horribly. then, she called me yesterday to finally say she didn't want to ever be with me again, i think i got maybe a few of her sentences in before i just hung up and went numb.

it's really set in now. this is over. there is no hope. she is gone, and life will have to be different now.

i'm really not ok with this. even tho all we do is fight when we're around eachother, i just want her home.


i don't have anymore words for today.