Ok, yesterday was a pretty dark day. In fact, the past 3 days have been really bad. Not really making the best choices for moving forward. Someone recently said in a post here that I need to see the triggers of my drinking. I found two of them. Talking to her, and Wednesday nights. Talking to her just seems to completely destroy everything I'm trying to do. I'm not placing the blame ON her, not at all. I'm just seeing that when I talk to her, I completely lose it. I can't articulate myself anywhere close to what I had earlier planned on. I get really angry. I yell. I say really stupid shit. In fact, every time I talk to her I ruin my chances that much more of this ever being worked out. When she called me Thrusday afternoon to tell me it was absolutely over, it was probably mainly due to how I reacted to her Wednesday night.
Speaking of Wednesday nights, they are my second trigger. I get restless yet I don't really want to be around anyone. Maybe it doesn't help much that the past two Wednesday nights had bad situations happen with her, but I end up buying beer and just drinking at home. I drink and I clean this apartment. I can't believe how much I've been cleaning lately. This place is so small and there's even one less person in it now. I guess mostly I'm cleaning out all the nooks and crannies where a lot of her stuff was. Her hair is in EVERYTHING. I swear, I've cleaned up enough of her hair to weave my own life size doll of her. I guess I'm just trying to get all of her out of here, so maybe I can cut down on the amount of reminders I have of her around me.
This next week is going to be pretty tight for me monetarily. Mismanaged my money by about $80. damn it! I really need to get better at this. A much cheaper apartment would really be helpful. I work tomorrow so I'm sure I'll make enough tips to cover my ass and get back in the positive. I need to work out a budget for ONLY ME for the first time ever. This is weird.
Alrighty then. I think this was a bit more therapeutic than last nights post.
Very sorry that you two are going thru this. I wish I lived closer. Have a good day Gary.
ReplyDelete-Taking advantage of your independence by making worthwhile choices instead of brooding/isolating when you're feeling down is *huge*. It can also constructively help your depressed state of mind. It's hard going home alone. I can see why Wednesdays (these are your "Fridays" of the week, correct?) trigger you. I don't know what to advise here, except try to find something else to occupy your alone time other than drinking. I know this is easier said than done; I came home alone for over 10 years and I know exactly how miserable it is. I drank. I cried. I wanted to die. Unlike me, you're not a single parent and can leave the house/connect with friends/do stuff on your own. My advice is, take advantage of your personal freedom! Being able to do things for and by yourself is cathartic and also empowering. It's going to take some work to construct new activities because you're finding and building upon new strengths, but it is possible. Everything, Gary, is possible. If you're still considering AA, maybe Wednesdays would be a good day for going to meeting?
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you're not thinking and/or acting clearly right now, maybe not talking to her, at least for for awhile, is worth looking at. When it comes to personal interactions, it's OK to postpone them if you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired. In fact, I recommend it. You want to say what you need to without regrets later, and in order to do that, being in a clear headspace is essential.
((hugs))
B
As usual, B Wood is on point :D Such great advice I am taking it for myself too.
ReplyDeleteWhat struck me immediately when reading this last post was all of the space you're encountering, in other words, your environment and how in touch you are getting with it by cleaning. I'm not sure how spiritual you are but something you might give a try is smudging. Even if you are not super-spiritual, the act of cleansing a space is very symbolic of renewal and of making a space your own.
If you approach it that way and embrace it as ridding unwanted memories, energies, and negative emotions, you might just be surprised at how powerful it can be and what results it will yield.
If not smudging, changing your environment in aesthetic ways can help. Find what you like and make the space your own. I know it sounds simple, but it really helps. Things can get stagnant if they're not changed and become constant reminders of the past. By adjusting your personal environment you can still deal with your emotions and all of the challenges you're enduring (as it's not about running away or sweeping things under the rug) but you can do it in a space that is much more comfortable to you and that causes less salt in the wound effect.
I agree!! Smudging is super awesome! Takes away the bad juju and energy. Not saying her energy is bad but the energy between the two of you sounds like it is lingering. Clearing the space of ghosts energetically is always good. I recommend not using white sage, it has a funky b.o. smell.
DeleteThis blog is the best thing that I can think of to purge, sounds like you take Titan out in the fresh air often so that is good too. I don't know the SF area at all but I really hope you find some new people and places that work for where you are going! Keep posting your honesty is inspiring and awesome!!
thinking of you, Kimm