ok, i need to get this out. am i embracing all of this because i just want to see her again? am i doing it because i'm alone and i miss her? is she just lonely and reaching out to me because i'm the closest thing to something comfortable for her?
so my initial response to that is, "no gary, that's not what seemed to go down the other day during the session". however, i've had a whole day to sit and dwell and not hear from her (only because she's busy, not because she's ignoring me). when that happens, of COURSE i sit there and let my mind wander. i'm my own worst enemy.
i hope she really wants this. i'm letting down a wall that i just spent the past two months putting up.i still have blood and dirt under my fingernails from building the wall. i almost feel like i just set up a bunch of dominoes as walls, and i'm just leaning against the first one for support.
Tuesday morning is our next session. the first session was a bunch of questions i really didn't want to deal with. i can only imagine how fucked up the questions from the second session are gonna be. after all, we're "digging" for the answers to the shitty questions, right? well, in my experience with any sort of digging, it's hard work.
i can't even explain how much i just want to see her right now, but at the same time, i don't want to see her until tuesday morning. i've actually become somewhat used to her NOT being there. in fact, it might be obvious that when she IS around me i lose all sense of direction and i just forget all the progress i've had on my own. is just seeing her going to ruin my ability to think clearly about all of this? what if after a week of hanging out together one of us decides that working on this isn't a good idea? i highly doubt i'll be able to deal with that, especially if i'm the one who had so come to that conclusion.
what if we work on this...and i think it's going well, and i find out one day that she doesn't think it's going well by finding all of her stuff moved out again?(this thought is what is haunting me right now)
someone once told me that there was a study that said that if you didn't see the face of your partner every day when waking up, you were such percentage more likely to want to leave. i kinda wish i never had that put in my head, because it's all i really think about in the mornings.
now, with that said, how conflicted am i? i feel this need to just "see" her every day so that we're fresh in each others minds.... but i want us to forget about eachother enough to want desire to come back in our lives. WHAT THE FUCK GARY?! ask the impossible why don't you? i think i'm setting myself up for failure in the ways i'm expecting this relationship to go. ungh. maybe i should just go to bed and rethink this all tomorrow. i spent too much of the day drinking coffee... now i know why the counselor asked if we drink caffeine.
my days off went by too fast.
Such a major life transition is like riding a big and unruly wave, where your choices are limited to either falling off and being swallowed up by the current and relinquishing your power to it, or mindfully riding it out despite all of it's downright terrifying (and sometimes exhilarating and amazing) ups and downs until you get to where you need to be next. You are totally riding this one out and that is most awesome.
ReplyDeleteWalls... sometimes we build them out of fear to keep people out and we end up isolated and miserable. These walls can make life shittier than it has to be. But some walls can be good and it sounds like the walls you've built through all of the processing you've been doing are serving you well right now. It is good to be guarded when you need to be, to be alone and with your own thoughts sometimes, and your instincts are right on when you mention you have that feeling of wanting to be alone a little bit. Also, with this kind of wall, YOU can decided when to bring it down and to put it back up. To be vulnerable does not equate to being control and emotionally ripped open, it can be something very positive and something you can call on during the right times for yourself and others.
So really, you are not your own worst enemy, you are your best ally and protector. It just seems sometimes the other way around, especially when your ally is telling you things you don't always want to hear ;)
Your self-awareness is exceptional, so when I read about what you're going through I am totally confident that you'll find yourself in exactly the right place for you, and that's what's most important :D
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ReplyDeleteTrust is hard. We all deal with trust differently, too. I'd look at the situation, determine where your trust levels are, and explore how much trust you're willing to give at this time. I'd also recommend discussing this issue in tomorrow's session.
ReplyDeleteGary, my thoughts/fears gallop ahead in the ways you're describing. My way of handling myself when I get like this is by refusing to let my thoughts go in those directions because they tend to lead me places I don't want to be. I have to shut my fearful/doubting thinking down, redirect myself out of the anxiety, and channel my efforts into something which helps me 1.Process 2.Find reasonable explanation 3.Arrive at possible answers. Moreover, deal with what you know and what's in front of you as of right now, today. It will make things a bit less overwhelming. If you try anticipating what your mind thinks is a natural conclusion into what could happen next, you'll find that those knots you're trying to untangle merely tie up into tighter ones.
My recommendation in a previous post about writing that list still holds.
And as for the study you were talking about-my first thought was of two good friends of mine who were in a long distance relationship spanning four states. They saw each other maybe once every three months. This arrangement lasted five years. They have since moved in together and, four years later, are still together. I say this because I want to tell you above all else that we,not anyone else or any other precedent, get to create our own kinds of relationships. I think this is one of the best parts about being human. You and she can create whatever kind of relationship you want, because if you're supposed to be together, you will be.
Whatever your approach is and whatever you decide to do for you, don't forget yourself. Those reasonable, integral things you need and want in order to be happy and secure aren't realistically open to compromise. And that's OK.
Good Luck tomorrow. You're on the right track both for yourself and for her.
~B
P.S. Sorry for the delete, I needed to edit but there's no option to do that!
I can't tell you anything you probably haven't read or that might help you. I can tell that you are happy with the progress, that being obvious. I am glad that you will be talking about things in the past that probably need to be talked about. I have issues with my family that I had to get out there before I was able to make myself better for my wife. With that said hang in there. My wife and I went to a couples communication class and it helped a lot with us when we were dating. Take care.
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