I'm supposed to be writing in this blog often. If i kept it up, I'd be more willing to write right now, but there is just so much going on right now that I don't have it in me to get it all out right now.
here are the basics:
1) going away for the weekend was the best possible thing I could have done. it centered me in ways that I haven't felt in ages. Loving friends, open skies, working in the dirt and sun, dogs running in packs... it was amazing. I want to go back there and never return. don't think for a moment that I'm not seriously thinking about doing just that. In fact, I'm now trying to find the reasons NOT to move out there.
2) I'm learning quite a bit about myself, my emotions, and the way I deal with them. Having a sounding board lately has been amazing. getting good advice from a fresh source is always helpful. but having someone watch you act in a certain way and then call you out on it when you didn't even know you were doing it is damn near priceless. for that I thank you, and ya know who you are.
3) Suzie and I are are as of two nights ago, on speaking terms again. Saturday night was a really good night, but I found that I was way more agreeable to things that I wasn't totally on board for just because I was overwhelmed with seeing her and being able to just talk to her without us yelling or fighting. In fact, I even commented on how nice it was just to be walking next to her again. We had a really good night, aside from a dead car battery, and I headed home on bart. the following two days were just a emotional nightmare. my mind was all over the place, and is still in that state now. she came over at about 10pm to talk and left about 45 min ago. without the details, we are trying to work on things. there are some very basic needs that need to be met before we can continue, but we're working on it.
Believe me, I would much rather elaborate on this so much that I get it all out, but truth be told I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. Part of me is telling me to just keep going in the direction I was working for after she left, because I was making good ground. the other part of me wants to just run to her and agree to everything just so we can be together again. of course, there's a lot in between, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I'm so unsure of everything right now. well, maybe not everything. I'm very sure I can still smell her in this apartment and she left now about an hour ago. I'm very sure that I will be going to be alone, still smelling that vanilla scent of hers in the air. And I am EXTREMELY sure that tonight will not be a good night of slumber.
Wow. That is way more than a blogfull... I really hope that you two can work things out without either of you compromising your principles, goals, desires or truths. I was happily married once upon a time and sometimes I wish he had been willing to give it one last chance. Marriage, seperation, mediation, counseling divorce.... it is all hard work. Amyone who tells you otherwise is fooling themselves or not being honest with you. I hated being alone and being reminded ny our mutual friends that we were over. It is all a delicate dance of emotional upheaval and letting go. Whatever you decide I am proud of you for the way you have journeyed thus far, translucently, courageously, mindfully, with humor and insight at your mis steps and quickly turning them into lessons that you share. You amaze me through all this. If you ever want to check out the raddest meeting in Sac let me know....
ReplyDeleteHang in there, left foot, right foot......
ReplyDeleteAwesome, Gary. Keep on truckin' :)
ReplyDeleteI’m seeing the happy posts following this (which are fucking awesome), but decided to respond to this one. I want you to remember your words here purposefully as the two of you communicate more and rebuild your connection.
ReplyDeleteHML said in one of your later posts: “The one thing I'd advise is to still look out for yourself and your emotional health, as from what you've described she still has a whole lot of power over how you feel, and that can be a wee bit dangerous as it has the tendency to dictate or color the way your life is going.” I couldn’t have said this better myself.
I know you’re happy and over the moon about reconnecting with her. You should be. This is an awesome opportunity for both of you to communicate and possibly reconcile. However, I hope you can also connect with the side of yourself who posted his concerns here because this Gary was looking at himself and her from a more balanced perspective. Right now I would say, It’s almost like you have to look at her now without feeling that love is the only thing you see or else you’re not going articulate your concerns well enough for discussion. This may also make you more willing to back down on major principles you may not normally yield to just because your perspective is coloured by love, despair, and personal loneliness.
Here’s how I would use today, the last day before your counseling session. I would think about what I reasonably want and cannot live without in a relationship and partnership with her, and would write them down on a list. I would bring this list to therapy and discuss what’s on it compassionately, openly, and lovingly . Why you keep these list items “reasonable” is because there really *are* things you can’t compromise on personally without doing great damage to yourself as an individual. Only you know what these things are for you, so think carefully and hard….and write them down. This list is a reminder of who you are whilst in the maelstrom of emotion you find yourself in when she reenters your life each and every time.
Fingers and toes crossed (hoping for the best possible outcome),
~B.