...wow.

holy shit! today was fucking awesome!!!

so the session went well. it was hard as fuck and there were tears and shitty things to have to say, but it's what's needed.

"so have there been any major situations that might have had an impact on your relationship?"
fuck... now we have to talk about the miscarriage. i don't want to do this.

"so tell me about past drug/alcohol use/abuse."
fuck..not that question. please. i don't want to do this.

"so tell me a little about your childhood."
oh god, please no. not that subject. i can't talk about that. i don't want to do this.



but i did. i talked about it to someone i don't even know. how the fuck i did it is baffling me.  actually, no... it's not. i did it because that person i love so much was sitting right next to me, needing us to go through this shit to fix us.


i'll admit, i felt like a piece of shit after having to describe "me" to this person. everything i said i kinda took a step back and said to myself, "dude, you're a fucking mess. no wonder this shit is happening. how can you expect to fix this when you're so broken yourself?" but...it did something. it got it out a little. i had to put a stop to the childhood question after only a few sentences in, but she said that that was ok and we could get back to it later. we're slated for weekly sessions. i'll give it at least two more sessions before i decide if i like this therapist. the first thing both suzie and i thought was "she's too young" because she's younger than both of us. sounds like a weird problem, but i just thought we'd have someone with a few more years on us. i don't want to be an "ageist" about this, so i'm gonna be open to it.

after the session, something very unexpected happened. we gave eachother a really long, warm hug in the lobby, and then spent the rest of the day together at the park with Titan. we talked. we didn't talk. we sat next to each other. i watched her draw. she watched me play with Titan. it.was.awesome.

step one: SUCCESS!