Mr. Popularity

Let me just say how amazing my birthday was. Holy CRAP it was a lot of fun. So many people came out. I found myself taking moments to step aside and really see this group of people for what it was... People from all walks of my life, from so many different time periods, coming together JUST for me. (and maybe free beer) There were a few people that didn't show for various reasons, but that is totally ok. They were there in spirit. There was one person who wasn't there for the first time in 7 years... i'm not going to get all down about this, but i will say that it bothered me that i didn't even get a phone call or email, and that is all the time i care to spend on that subject.

It's taken me almost a week to post about my bday because i've been locked in some pretty deep thought about a myriad of different subjects. Relationships, job, living situation, money, location, health, family, motivation...etc. It feels very overwhelming. I suppose i've been doing this since early this year, but it seems like it hit me pretty hard over the past week. I definitely had the thought of "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" over and over.

The answer, and this came as a shock to me even though it's the most basic "correct" answer ever, and should already have slapped me in the face... is:
'You are currently picking up the useful pieces of your recently failed life, leaving the crappy stuff behind, and beginning the process of making your new life."

Now, like i said, this should be a huge no brainer. I mean, of COURSE that's what i'm doing. I've even said this here in my blog a few times. how the hell did this come as such a slap in the face this past week? i mean, i already knew this...

or did i?

The fact of the matter is, No.. i did NOT "know" this. i wasn't working on anything. i wasn't "doing the next right thing". i may have thought i was, said i was, and acted in public that i was. if i look at my actions for the past 6 months or so i can clearly see that i wasn't. I mean, i got a job right away, found a place right away, and then.... stopped. i stopped working on myself, stopped trying to get my own place, stopped caring about making any more money than exactly the amount i needed to get by. i now believe that in the back of my head i truely believed that i was going to get back with the ex, and retain my old life. i believed that "this is just a phase, and it's going to go back to how it was in just a little bit". this is the furthest thing from the truth and what i really need to be thinking.

So now i'm in this frame of mind where i don't want the question of "what are you doing with your life" to exactly leave, but to stay and grow. I'm tired of asking myself "what are you going to do today? you've got x number of hours to kill, what can you do that doesn't involve trouble?" don't get me wrong, i'm still gonna have my dark days. i always have. i'm still gonna eat dinners alone and sit in parks all by myself. i don't think that'll ever change, and these things will still continue to bum me out. but i'm starting to think that i need to bum myself out every now and then so that the other times are that much better.


At my birthday party, i found myself asking myself how i could always feel so utterly alone when i have so many people in my life that love me for me and WANT to be in my life? i suppose the answer is just two words....My Focus.

So now begins a new focus. not exactly sure what that means, but it sure sounds right.

Almost There

So the past week or so has been a little hectic and also a bit soothing. At first I was getting bummed out on money issues, but then something in me flipped a switch and I came to a conclusion. I am ALWAYS going to have crappy money issues and I just need to roll with it. Stressing out doesn't do me any good and I just end up putting myself in a bad mood for days on end. Hopefully I can keep this in my head for a while.

My old phone got shut off, and it needed to. It was a final step in leaving an aspect of my "old life". The new phone is fun, and after almost two weeks of beautiful silence it was refreshing to have a new one. It also helped me not be so bummed about...

My laptop is kinda fried. It's stuck in a reboot cycle I can't seem to get out of. Gonna work on that in the next few days to see if I can get it working again. I really enjoyed having it, so I was pretty bummed when it took a shit on me. So far the thing has been nothing but problems, but the good parts about it outweigh the bad so I guess I'm not too bummed. Like I said, the new phone is helping me not be as bummed.

I was also having a string of bike problems. The great thing about riding a track bike is that it is very minimalistic. The bad thing is that it's so minimalistic that if just one part breaks, the whole bike is rendered useless. No bueno. Oh well. It's better than paying for a new starter, engine, etc. I suppose it's really just a first world problem.

I also decided to go against something I said in a previous blog. I suppose I'm going to actually do something for my birthday. I wanted to be the grumpy depressed guy this winter, but something in me is fighting in. Maybe my subconscious is trying to take over and get me though things. It would make sense. So I'm having a party at my place on my birthday night after work. It'll be nice to be around a lot of friends and NOT be out at a bar or something.

Still not feeling Christmas tho. I'm perfectly ok with this. I haven't really liked this holiday in almost 15 years. Quite a few things have helped seal the deal on that one in that time as well. The holiday just isn't what it was when I was younger, and it seems like it never will be again. I could go into a long rant about how I'm not religious, or I hate being a consumer whore, or a myriad of other reasons why I don't like it, but the fact of the matter is that the main reason is it just makes me sad, and makes me feel like an utter failure at the same time. Not a good combo.

With it being so slow at the shop lately, I don't really see how I'm going to be able to save enough money to move to PDX by Jan. Unless something really awesome happens, it's probably gonna be a bit longer. I do see myself getting up there for a visit in the next month. Hopefully just staying positive about the move will help generate good karma and make things happen.

 Since the only people who really read this blog are from my FB page, if you need my new number just send me a message and I'll get back to you. In fact, I think I'll just put it on my FB info page. yeah... there we go.

OK kids, until next time.

Keys

My Mom once told me that you could tell how much responsibility someone has by how many keys they have on their key chain. That stuck with me my whole life, and it's totally been true for me. Before all this change happened in my life, I was actually complaining on how many keys I had. It was uncomfortable having them in my pocket. As of right now, I have 3 keys. Two of which are bike lock keys, and one house key. For some reason this really bothers me. It's just a constant reminder of all that has gone south in my life over the past year. While I'll admit that things have slowly gotten a little better, I know that I won't feel on top of things until my key chain gets a few more keys hanging off of it. Things that need to happen to change this are 1) working at the shop long enough to get keys and 2) getting my own apartment. Both of these things are so up in the air right now, and that leads me into the next part of this blog...


Some of you know about this already, most others do not. Things aren't set in stone yet, but they are plans that I would like to see happen...

After the first of the year, I want to move to Portland, Oregon.

I've spent all of my life living in California, minus a few years here and there living in Texas. The two places I've spent most of my time in are the Bay Area, and Sacramento. I've got amazing friends and family in both areas, and I love them dearly. However, these places are also filled with bad memories. So much so that they actually outweigh the good memories. I would love to be in the bay area and not be reminded of my fathers passing every time I see a place we have been to. I would love to go around sac and not see 2 failed marriages and my mothers passing around every corner. Sac also has other painful memories I'll refrain from bringing up here, but I'm just over the constant reminder.

The past year has brought so much change into my life and I've tried fighting it the whole way through. Recently I've decided to try a new approach and just go with it. If things are gonna change, why not change EVERYTHING? Get a fresh new start. It just sounds like it's the right move. Like I said earlier, it's not set in stone, but it's an eventual goal.

It's not that I hate being here or anything. In fact this is one of the better times I've lived in Sac (lived here 5 different times!!!!). My room mates are awesomely amazing. My friends are super supportive and even when I try to be a hermit and let the dark cloud overtake me, they push their way through it and help lift me up. The shop I'm working at has great people working there and I really enjoy their company while working. Titan likes having a back yard and other dogs around, and probably loves going to parks that don't have a million bums in them like SF did.

I feel like I'm just kinda spinning my wheels out here. I can't seem to get on top of things. I'm feeling like it's because I'm not really giving it the chance it needs because of all the bad feelings I get about being here, things that have happened here, and the reason I'm back here. A full change of pace and scenery would really help out in this aspect. Going somewhere totally new to me just sounds like a great idea. I could be wrong, but there's only one way to find out.

Phone Is Off

For those of you that didn't check FB today, my phone is shut off. I knew it was coming and I had the chance to keep it from being shut off but 1) I didn't have the money and 2) I doubt AT&T would allow me a new account with them since I owe them money from a phone way back when.

Anyway, hopefully I'll have a new number soon. Until then it's gonna be a quiet week.

The Big Update

Well, it's time. Time for the first blog in quite a while. All the proper parameters have been met. Laptop: Check Wireless: Check Proper Inspiration: Check.

So what is going on? Well, as of right now I'm working at Sacramento Tattoo & Piercing, living in Tahoe Park just outside of downtown Sac, and basically scraping by right now. I'm still trying to get out of the hole I dug for myself months ago. It's not easy, it gets me down, and I fucking hate it. The upside to this is I feel like I'm actually coming  out of the hole. In fact, I almost feel out of it.

Being back in sac is kinda weird. I like it, and I hate it at the same time. It's really awesome being around friends I've had for so long, that I know I can count on for those words of wisdom I always seem to get from them. I missed my old hangouts, but they've changed in ways that I know aren't good for me. I love sac, but this isn't really where I feel like I should be right now. No, scratch that. Right NOW I should be in sac. However, in a very short time, I will be moving on. More about that in another blog.

As for the marriage... it's completely over. She doesn't want to work things out, and frankly neither do I. I guess I had some pretty heavy blinders on about our relationship for the past couple of years. As much as I wanted to work things out, the more I was away from her and the more I thought about things, the more I came to the conclusion that we just don't belong together. The real bitch of it is, when I try to think back to where it started to go wrong, I see that it happened even before we got married. That's a hard pill to swallow.

I guess I've grown up thinking that I NEEDED to get married, that I was SUPPOSED to get married. Well, after two failed marriages, I've found that obviously that isn't the case. I could go into a long tangent about how marriage is outdated, and came from a time when people barely lived beyond 40 years, but I'll save that for some other angsty time. However, this doesn't really change my inner need to be connected to someone. Yet another subject for a later date.

I guess the real topper to everything that's going on is that we're in the beginning of the holiday season. It's my most hated part of the year, much like many of you. I used to LOVE this time of year when I was younger. Over the years, I've had nothing but reasons to hate it. Over the past 7 years, I slowly started to like it, mainly because of my mother in law. This year that ended and I see myself just hating this time of year even more. All it reminds me of is loss and failure. This year is packing an extra punch of that. I know that I'll do Thanksgiving with my sister, but that's all I'm committing to. I don't really want to do anything on my birthday, and I want NOTHING to do with xmas. NOTHING. I know this bothers family and friends, but if they truly knew how I felt, they might leave me alone about it.

So here's when most people reading this are saying "Gary, suck it up and move on. Get happy, find a hobby, and pull yourself up."

Well, first things first... it's so EASY to SAY that shit. Doing it is a totally different thing. I can be a very positive person, most people know this. But when things go bad, depression hits like a black blanket of magnificent proportions. It's heavy, it's consuming, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. That said, I seem to have found at least a little bit of a way to shoo it off. I'm trying, believe me. I HATE being like this. Sad fucking sucks.

I've had a few people really help me out lately. Some of them came outta the woodwork, and some have been there for quite a while. In no particular order I'd like to thank Michelle, Chalon, Rochelle, Val, Mel, Benny, Brandon, Jackie, Kheri, Lindsey(x2), Chris, Albie, Loren, Jon, Jimbo, Jalynn, Kelle & Travis, Jeremy,  Stephanie, and whoever else I've forgotten. (i feel like i'm accepting an award)

ok. till next time.

Back In Business!

Hello blog readers. I know it's been quite a while since I've been able to write in here, but I got a laptop a couple days ago so now it's GAME ON!

I Wish This Blog Could Be Happier...

Hello all. I'v been gone for about 2 weeks now and a lot has changed in that amount of time, or at least it feels like alot. First, let's get the big one out of the way. It's looking as tho the marriage has come to its end. I've done too many things wrong, and I haven't been the husband that she needed me to be. Honestly, I can't really blame her for not wanting to work things out. While It hurts more than anything that two weeks into me trying to change myself, she's done. Granted, I dropped a huge bomb on her just before I left, but I just really wanted her to be the person that wouldn't leave. I guess all people have their breaking points, I found hers.
Second, yesterday marked 14 years since my mothers suicide. My wife told me she wanted a divorce two days prior. No, I'm not in a good head space. In fact, I'm really all over the place.
I'm currently spending a few days in Sacramento to try and think and ride around. If you wanna hang out, text me.

gotta make this short. paying 17 cents a min to get this blog out.

oh, 16 days without a drink.

Might Be My Last Post For A While

So, in the past couple of weeks I've slowly declined to basically hitting the point of rock bottom these past two days.

Here are some of the facts I wish to share today:
1) My drinking is completely out of hand. It is unmanageable. I can't be trusted around Liquor stores or bars. I drink to the point that not only do I blackout everything, but the next morning I get to see the aftermath in my apartment of what I did. It's never good. It's not like I ever wake up saying, "oh, I got wasted last night and cleaned my house and donated to charity." It's always a very dark scene. I'll leave it at that.

 2) Because of #1, I have completely  blown it with my job. I called to talk to my boss about things, and he informed me all my shifts were covered and that I need to go fix myself before I can come back. Let me just tell you, there are very few things that are worse than having people you respect always being disappointed by you. My boss just plain called me a drunk. That hurt so goddamn bad, but he's so completely right. I AM a drunk, and he can't have that at his business.

3) Because I've been drinking so much, I've pissed away my rent. I'm rather surprised there isn't an eviction notice on my door.



So, with all of that said, and with the help of Suzie, My Sister, and a couple of VERY dear friends, I am moving out of this city and I'm GOING to fix this. I'm going to go work, sweat, be around emotional and intelligent people, and be far away from the clutches of this town. No, I am not "running away"... I am "moving on" and getting myself back to the person that so many of you tell me that you love.


Like the title says, this might be my last post for a while. When I get out there, I don't know how much inet access I'll have. Even if there is access, I might just want to keep a lot of my thoughts to myself for a bit. But, you never know... I might want to be writing every spare moment. I won't know till I'm there.

Hopefully I'll see most of you on the other side of this. I know there are a lot of relationships I'm going to have to remove myself from because there is just too much drinking involved in it. I really hope these people will understand, but if they don't, I understand.

Man, writing all of this out scares the shit out of me.

Requested Blog

So, the past two days have been pretty bad. Pretty sure all the work I've put in in the past month or so is just down the drain right now. My needs superseded my goals and I seem to have lost it. I got in a huge fight with her, and while I think my points are valid, i also think my lack of direction right now is at fault. I may have just ruined everything because I have no idea how to handle my emotions.

here's the skinny of everything right now:

1) i can't make rent
2) i had to ask family, out of state, for help with food.
3) i really have doubts that my marriage will ever be what i want it to be. in fact, i'm pretty sure we're just gonna have to get away from eachother.


i currently feel like i'm just spinning my wheels in a time in my life where nothing is making sense or moving forward. why the fuck am i in this city? it's slowly trying to kill me and tearing my marriage apart. i want out, but i'm fucking stuck here. how messed up is that? All i want to do is run away from here. but what is that gonna solve? probably nothing.


so what am i gonna do? well, i'll tell you what i want to do. i want to lay down on my bed, go to sleep, and just not wake up until this world isn't so fucked. that's not gonna happen. so what AM i gonna do? well, i guess i'm gonna just move along until there is a wall in my way and figure it out at that time. any day now i'll get the"pay or move out" notice on my door. can't wait for that awesomeness to happen. at that point i'll just stress the fuck out until i figure something out. (yay, more chaotic blogs for ya'll to read!)

as of right now, i'm just gonna let Robert Plant sing me to sleep. today can suck a whole bag of "fuck you". i'm so over it.

SHAZBOT!

Well, I saw what my check is gonna look like for Friday. It's not gonna cover rent. In fact, I'm gonna be way behind.

Fuck.

I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna do. I've never lost an apartment because I couldn't pay rent on time. I have no idea what the management company is gonna say when I tell them I don't have it, and probably won't have it till next payday.

I'm pretty much screwed.

Unless I can figure some shit out, here comes exactly what I knew was coming when all of this started.  I knew I couldn't do this on my own. I let my ego talk for me and say that I could, but I was way off.

This city is kicking the shit out of me.

DEBT! It's what's for dinner!

So I woke up this morning not only feeling like shit, but finding out that Comcast shut my service off for lack of payment. Well, seeing as how my internet is fairly important to me, I bit the bullet and paid the bill. Then I decided that I might as well pay the other bills since it's obvious I'm not gonna have rent on time anyway. So bills are paid, but rent is past due. fridge is still empty but I'm working on that. I don't feel like I'm in a HUGE hole yet, but if I don't figure something out soon it's gonna be exactly that way.


I know, I know... these are problems all of you have. The thing with me is this is the first time in my life where I have to do this all on my own. I would have really preferred for this to go down in Sacto rather than SF. It's just too damn expensive out here.

quick blog

I know I haven't been as on top of this blog as I want to be, but I've been a little busy the past week. Suzie and I have been hanging out and doing things pretty much all week. It's been great. I can't even express what it does to me every time I get to see her.


There is a downside to this tho... I've put everything else in my life on hold. While my main focus in my life right now is working on my marriage, I need to find a way to be able to focus on my personal life and all the other things in it. This city is too expensive and it seems like anything I want to do to try to make things better for me require more money, or me moving away from here. My ultimate goal is the second choice. Problem is, there's NO way for me to actually save money or even get out of the hole I'm in so I can go do this.

So here I am... falling deeper and deeper in the debt hole, but my marriage is doing much better. My fridge is empty, my bills are unpaid, rent is due today and I don't have it, and on top of that I'm getting sick. Oh, and did I mention that Titan has started barking a lot while I'm gone? Yeah, that's super awesome. I take him out all the time, make sure he has food before I do, and love on him like no other yet it's not enough right now. He needs more distractions during the time I'm gone.

To put this all in simple, teenager terms.... "this sucks!"


crap... blog took too long. now I might be late for work. crap.

Book Worm

I wanted to write all about my awesome day I had yesterday when I sat down to the computer tonight. Actually, I wanted to do it last night but I passed out on the couch after a long, wonderful day with the lady. It's been decided that yesterday was just for her and I, so no real details. What I can say is this... Awesome 2nd Session, Delicious Lunch, Comfortable Walks, and my first ever Giants Game!!! That's all you get folks... run with it. I sure did.

Then I wanted to write about work, and I quickly dismissed that. No thank you.

Then, while looking for something to blather about on here, I decided to check my email. Normally my email is pretty uneventful Viagra, Cialias ads, Breast enlargement, AARP ads (those feel great as i get close to only 37yo), and then a multitude of the normal junk mail. However, today got to be different because as I logged in I saw I had an email from my Grandma (Groma for those of you in the know). She let me know that she was really happy to hear that I was working on things in my life and that Suzie and I were working on things. She imparted some good advice, and it was a nice email to read.

BUT!....

 She did say one thing in there that stuck to me like white on rice. It's something I've been told before, thought about, but always brushed off to the side. For some reason, my Groma telling me this made it stand out so much more.

(Now.. Groma, if you're reading this, and I think you are, I really hope you don't mind me quoting you in my blog)

This is the part of the email she sent me : "Have you ever thought about writing a book? ( No, I'm not kidding) You seem to have inherited your Mom's gift for words (some aren't too hot) and you can express your inner feelings and thoughts to the point that you have created a very captive following.  Everyone seems to know that you are trying to work some things out in your life and without getting down to the nitty-gritty of things you skirt around the subject very cleverly to the point that they want to read more. (very creative writing)  Pick a subject, person, place or thing and let the feelings flow."Try it, you might like it". "


Um... Holy Shit? (probably some of those words that "aren't too hot" for her).

I remember being a kid and wanting nothing more that to be a writer. I wanted to come up with the stories I was reading growing up. Sometimes I would write short stories and anytime I let someone read them, they loved them. However, I've thrown every last one of those away. Written in the moment and forgotten before the crumbled paper stopped crackling from being forced into the smallest ball I could form with my angry hands. My stories never amounted to much in my own head after I wrote them. I always felt the lacked so much. However, I will say that with my blog writing (this blog, and my old myspace blog that is now lost in cyberspace never to be seen again) that there has been quite a bit of stuff that I've gone back to reread and really liked what I did.

So my problem with this is...obviously the main question I'd have if I decided to write a book is, "what would a write about?" Well, the obvious answer is, after writing out the past few paragraphs, is... "Write about your life." I'm sorry, but that just doesn't seem like interesting subject matter to the masses.
Rock bios?
sure.
Suspense Novels?
of course!
"The Life & Times of Gary Vargas, Jr"?
I don't think that would be all that fun of a read. I mean, I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my day, but there are plenty of books out there about MUCH more interesting and important people out there for people to spend their off time reading about.

So, I guess I'm back to the main question... "What would I write about?" Obviously writing a book isn't removed from my mind. In fact, it sounds like a great way to continue to try to get back on track with sobriety and recovery. (which by the way I'm not doing that great with, but I'm also not failing at).

I donno, maybe I'll just stick to this blog and think that a grandmothers flattery is always uplifting. Titan is bugging me to take him out. 11:30pm trip to Civic Center for some ball time should be fun.

G'night.

Round 2... DING!

So tomorrow is our second session. I actually enjoyed our last "after session" so much that I made sure to take the day off tomorrow. I want the ability for us to spend the day talking about the things that came up in our session, good or bad.  I do realize that neither of us might want this, or only one half of us will. That's ok, I'm also thinking that if we don't talk after, I might just need some time to myself

Something unexpected happened today.  We were talking on the phone while she was riding home on bart and it got too loud to here. we ended up having to get off the phone early. bummer, right? well, I get a text shortly after telling me how bummed she is that we had to get off the phone, and that she'd call me as soon as she got home.

HOLY FUCK!

I can't even describe how awesome it is to hear that 1) she was WANTING to be on the phone with me and 2) that she WANTED to get back in touch with me as soon as possible.

Now, as awesome as that is, I know we can't just BE around each other right now. (well, I totally think we can be, but i'm not sure she feels that way). We need to relearn how to be a couple that is in love.

That last line has me scared as shit. What if we CAN'T relearn that? What if we just do all the work to find out later down the line that we need to be as far away from eachother as possible.

what if?

what if....?


ok. I need to go to bed. I need to stop dwelling in this not so productive place.

Fear! It's what's for dinner!

ok, i need to get this out. am i embracing all of this because i just want to see her again? am i doing it because i'm alone and i miss her? is she just lonely and reaching out to me because i'm the closest thing to something comfortable for her?

so my initial response to that is, "no gary, that's not what seemed to go down the other day during the session". however, i've had a whole day to sit and dwell and not hear from her (only because she's busy, not because she's ignoring me). when that happens, of COURSE i sit there and let my mind wander. i'm my own worst enemy.

i hope she really wants this. i'm letting down a wall that i just spent the past two months putting up.i still have blood and dirt under my fingernails from building the wall. i almost feel like i just set up a bunch of dominoes as walls, and i'm just leaning against the first one for support.


Tuesday morning is our next session. the first session was a bunch of questions i really didn't want to deal with. i can only imagine how fucked up the questions from the second session are gonna be. after all, we're "digging" for the answers to the shitty questions, right? well, in my experience with  any sort of digging, it's hard work.


i can't even explain how much i just want to see her right now, but at the same time, i don't want to see her until tuesday morning. i've actually become somewhat used to her NOT being there. in fact, it might be obvious that when she IS around me i lose all sense of direction and i just forget all the progress i've had on my own. is just seeing her going to ruin my ability to think clearly about all of this?  what if after a week of hanging out together one of us decides that working on this isn't a good idea? i highly doubt i'll be able to deal with that, especially if i'm the one who had so come to that conclusion. 

what if we work on this...and i think it's going well, and i find out one day that she doesn't think it's going well by finding all of her stuff moved out again?(this thought is what is haunting me right now)


someone once told me that there was a study that said that if you didn't see the face of your partner every day when waking up, you were such percentage more likely to want to leave. i kinda wish i never had that put in my head, because it's all i really think about in the mornings.

now, with that said, how conflicted am i? i feel this need to just "see" her every day so that we're fresh in each others minds.... but i want us to forget about eachother enough to want desire to come back in our lives. WHAT THE FUCK GARY?! ask the impossible why don't you? i think i'm setting myself up for failure in the ways i'm expecting this relationship to go. ungh. maybe i should just go to bed and rethink this all tomorrow. i spent too much of the day drinking coffee... now i know why the counselor asked if we drink caffeine.

my days off went by too fast.  

am i sleeping?

i must be asleep. i have to be. wait... no... when i sleep i have shitty dreams and i tear up the bed. so i guess i'm NOT asleep. so that means i'm not just having an awesome dream. i really did go through yesterday. i really did see her all day yesterday. i really did wake up this morning with her right next to me. that shit actually happened. what the fuck?!

i probably won't get to see her again until our next counseling session, which is tuesday morning. i think that's ok because i've got to process everything from yesterday and up to this morning.


***

totally different subject. i am getting a LOT of messages from ya'll about my blog not showing up, not being able to see it, the bookmark doesn't bring it up, etc. i'm not computer/webbernet savvy enough to give any tips or tricks. i will say that i haven't done anything different on my end. didn't change a damn thing. i have no idea what's going on. hopefully someone has an idea of what's happening or this shit just works itself out.

...wow.

holy shit! today was fucking awesome!!!

so the session went well. it was hard as fuck and there were tears and shitty things to have to say, but it's what's needed.

"so have there been any major situations that might have had an impact on your relationship?"
fuck... now we have to talk about the miscarriage. i don't want to do this.

"so tell me about past drug/alcohol use/abuse."
fuck..not that question. please. i don't want to do this.

"so tell me a little about your childhood."
oh god, please no. not that subject. i can't talk about that. i don't want to do this.



but i did. i talked about it to someone i don't even know. how the fuck i did it is baffling me.  actually, no... it's not. i did it because that person i love so much was sitting right next to me, needing us to go through this shit to fix us.


i'll admit, i felt like a piece of shit after having to describe "me" to this person. everything i said i kinda took a step back and said to myself, "dude, you're a fucking mess. no wonder this shit is happening. how can you expect to fix this when you're so broken yourself?" but...it did something. it got it out a little. i had to put a stop to the childhood question after only a few sentences in, but she said that that was ok and we could get back to it later. we're slated for weekly sessions. i'll give it at least two more sessions before i decide if i like this therapist. the first thing both suzie and i thought was "she's too young" because she's younger than both of us. sounds like a weird problem, but i just thought we'd have someone with a few more years on us. i don't want to be an "ageist" about this, so i'm gonna be open to it.

after the session, something very unexpected happened. we gave eachother a really long, warm hug in the lobby, and then spent the rest of the day together at the park with Titan. we talked. we didn't talk. we sat next to each other. i watched her draw. she watched me play with Titan. it.was.awesome.

step one: SUCCESS!

and so it begins

oh, here's some honesty.

fucking scared to death that i'm going to go to these counseling sessions only to find out that i'm the reason all of this is wrong. i'm told over and over that this is NOT how these things work out, but i guess i have to see for myself. my stomach is burning. my hands are trembling. i still have an hour and a half to shut this shit down before we do this. i need to focus. i need some coffee. i definitely need a shower.

i've lost count on how many of you have contacted me in the past few days to tell me your stories about doing counseling with your loved ones and how well it worked for you.from the pit of my currently burning stomach, i thank you so much. i'm finding i've got some pretty close friends in people i didn't even realize. you people make me cry... fucking knock it off! (it's in a good way tho)

pretty sure i'm gonna ride my bike till my legs fall off after this. then i'm gonna run titan until his legs fall off. then the both of us are gonna crawl home legless and do laundry. that's if my nerves calm the fuck down and allow me to do anything.

Hello... Mic Check... Is anyone here?

Ya'll are allowed to comment on my posts. I'm really relying on advice these days!!!

....*coughs*...ahem....SHE FUCKING VISITED ME!

Today started out with Titan and I finding out that the dog park we go to every morning is now under renovation for at least the next 3 months. Great. Next closest park is up some lame hills and further away. Joy!

But the main point of this entry is this.... She came to the shop to visit me today!

But there is more...

She had just gotten her hair done. She put the red back in. When we first met, she had red and black hair. It just drives me insane. What's even weirder right now is that I recently change my appearance back to when I first met her. Shaved head, no beard, steel jewelry in my ears. It can't be coincidence that we both did this recently. I know I didn't do it with this idea in my head, but I can't speak for her. Regardless, it's fucking awesome.

Anyway, she came by the shop and we took a walk around the block. We didn't talk about anything heavy, just about the day to day things. I even took her aside, asked her to stand on a step (eye level) and got a really awesome hug and a small kiss. I fucking melted inside. We continued around the block and back to the shop where we decided I was gonna get to put some new jewelry in her septum. I have to say, I get to be proud that I got to make her just a touch better looking today. Rose gold rings in her septum look pretty badass!

We're hopefully slated for a counseling apt on Thursday if we can get in. Otherwise it's a lunch date.

Can Wednesday hurry up and be done with already?

The Morning After Pill... hard to get down.

So waking up this morning, after last nights conversation with her, I'm feeling even less at ease. In fact, I feel like she might never be able to get on board with this relationship in a manner that would benefit both of us. She's just so removed from me. Anything I do is going to be "too much, too fast, too soon" for her. Now,of course I'll hear from some of you saying, "she's scared gary, she just needs time." well guess what? I'm fucking scared too! The one person that can help put the fire out in those fears seems to want nothing to do with me in an emotional or physical level. We seem to be at a wall. she needs to have time and and wants to go on dates and counseling and wants to "rebuild" all of that, but I'm already there, and it really bothers me that she needs all of that just to be able to even get started on the things I need. we're both entitled to our feelings and needs of how to do this...I'm just getting out my thoughts about this. It's not like I'm NOT going to try to rebuild this... but what if later down the road after I've put my all into this and she STILL isn't affectionate with me? What if we still can't get that connection back? would this mean that I was right in the first place that if the initial spark isn't there in the first place, why try? I don't want to be right about this... even a little. 

Damn I hate this shit. It's so confusing and my brain is already on overtime without pay.

We (hopefully) have our first counseling session on Thursday. I'm not sure if I should refrain from contacting her until then or not. Maybe I'll just leave the ball in her court and see what happens.I still don't get the vibe that she reads this so it's not like I'm telling her to do so.

Ok, time to get ready for work.

overdue post is overdue

I'm supposed to be writing in this blog often. If i kept it up, I'd be more willing to write right now, but there is just so much going on right now that I don't have it in me to get it all out right now.

here are the basics:

1) going away for the weekend was the best possible thing I could have done. it centered me in ways that I haven't felt in ages. Loving friends, open skies, working in the dirt and sun, dogs running in packs... it was amazing. I want to go back there and never return. don't think for a moment that I'm not seriously thinking about doing just that. In fact, I'm now trying to find the reasons NOT to move out there.

2) I'm learning quite a bit about myself, my emotions, and the way I deal with them. Having a sounding board lately has been amazing. getting good advice from a fresh source is always helpful. but having someone watch you act in a certain way and then call you out on it when you didn't even know you were doing it is damn near priceless. for that I thank you, and ya know who you are.

3) Suzie and I are are as of two nights ago, on speaking terms again. Saturday night was a really good night, but I found that I was way more agreeable to things that I wasn't totally on board for just because I was overwhelmed with seeing her and being able to just talk to her without us yelling or fighting. In fact, I even commented on how nice it was just to be walking next to her again. We had a really good night, aside from a dead car battery, and I headed home on bart. the following two days were just a emotional nightmare. my mind was all over the place, and is still in that state now. she came over at about 10pm to talk and left about 45 min ago. without the details, we are trying to work on things. there are some very basic needs that need to be met before we can continue, but we're working on it.

Believe me, I would much rather elaborate on this so much that I get it all out, but truth be told I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. Part of me is telling me to just keep going in the direction I was working for after she left, because I was making good ground. the other part of me wants to just run to her and agree to everything just so we can be together again. of course, there's a lot in between, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I'm so unsure of everything right now. well, maybe not everything. I'm very sure I can still smell her in this apartment and she left now about an hour ago. I'm very sure that I will be going to be alone, still smelling that vanilla scent of hers in the air. And I am EXTREMELY sure that tonight will not be a good night of slumber.

Not a good night...

I thought I was doing pretty good with all this the past few days. I was wrong. Decided to go to my local bar and had someone tell me "hey, word hit of what happened, can i buy you a shot?"

holy fuck that sucked. people are talking about this.... without me. FUCK! that is so fucking painful. especailly after the shots i chose to have after that. i fucking hate this.

on a side note, there is ONE thing in my life that is making this less horrible. i can't really explain what it is, because i don't fully understand what it is right now....but it's making me focus. i hope this continues.

my mellow music for this type of situation hasn't changed since about 1998 or so.. listening to the same mellow "break up" music is rough... but still somehow works. i need something different.

she hasn't called or emailed me at all. she fucking hates me. this isn't exactly what ran through my head saturday morning Sept 1st 2007.

i'm going to bed.

eating the spoonful of caster oil...

FUCK. I hate what I just did. Not because it was a bad thing to do, but because it hurt so bad to do it, and it was totally necessary. Sometimes, you gotta do shit that sucks, and this was one of them.

I not only deleted her  from my facebook page, but I also blocked her. why? because every time I see her name pop up, my mind goes fucking ballistic.every time I see her doing something, my mind goes into horrible places that I just shouldn't be dwelling in. It sucks for me and it's unfair to her, even if I don't mention it to her. So, in the idea that this will help me 1) get past some of this and 2) get me to not put my mind in shitty places, I felt I had to do this. It can be temporary, or it can be permanent. At least the option is there.

DAMN IT! I still feel shitty about this. I feel like I've turned off a possibility that this might work out. However, nothing she's shown me has even hinted to her wanting to do that, so I have to take the steps to move on. My struggle is: Do I maintain the constant shitstorm to try with every last breath to try to make this not happen, or do I (as my tattoo says), "Go With The Flow" and just accept that she doesn't want to ever be with me again and I just need to fucking realize that? Well, of course when I write it out like that, the answer is pretty damn obvious, but the part of my heart that is bleeding doesn't really agree.

I had some amazing conversation with my absolutely dearest friend yesterday. The kind of conversation you really only have with maybe one or two people in your life, ever. Luckily for me, this is just how we talk. We just get the shit out as real as possible. It's funny, when I talk to him, I find myself saying the things I truly feel, but it's almost like I'm hearing it for the first time. So therapeutic. Maybe my major sweat last night while sleeping was because through conversation with him I was able to get a lot of shit out, and this was my bodies way of purging the other crap at the same time. who knows.

So as it now stands, this blog would be the only way she would have to know of what I'm thinking/doing, and as it stands I have no way of doing that for her. I doubt she's actually reading this. If she is, I highly doubt it's a fun thing for her to be doing. So now we've gone from being two people who were supposed to share everything, to two people that share nothing, and never see or talk to eachother. I think that might be the worst part of all of this.

Goodnight, I'm spent.

Time to Focus, again.

This was a pretty amazing weekend. I actually feel guilty about it. I think it's because I had all this fun without her. All weekend, I felt like she was just standing behind me, or out of sight, but hanging out with the same group of friends. Then it would hit me that she wasn't there. God, I need to get that out of me somehow. Here I was with my most dear friends this weekend, and I'm supposed to be having all this fun (which I totally did), but still reeling on the inside about something that I just can't change.

The night terrors haven't stopped either. Last night was pretty bad. I tore one final hole in my bottom sheet, thus making them useless and they need to be tossed. I also sweat completely through my clothes, twice. I woke up once wondering why I was so cold only to find myself soaked and in almost a puddle of sweat. Got up, changed, and went back to bed only to enter into the same dreams and wake up 2 hours later drenched again. Gotta do more laundry tonight after work or I won't have any sheets to sleep one. down the the last set. I really need this to stop.

I also need to get back into focus. I drank pretty heavily Friday night at the beach. I should have curbed myself, or not drank at all. It's putting me in a mindset when I'm alone that I don't want to be in. Bad decisions happen when that goes down. I need to not do that.

I donno how work is gonna be today. My body hurts and feels weird right now from last nights slumber. I obviously didn't get the rest that I need to start my work week. I also feel like if I try to drink some coffee to wake up, I'll be a jittery piercer. No bueno. Superfood, do your job please.

Ok. Enough for now. Off to work.

BEACH TIME!

Tonight is gonna be awesome. I am so in love with the past two days. If this is any indication on how I'm gonna be moving on, then bring it on!!!

Today is the day, or was it yesterday?

So yesterday I said that I was gonna start out fresh today, but it seems to have started yesterday afternoon. Well, it's in full swing today. Woke up a bit late but that's alright. Time to get moving. Got a lot of shit to do today.

I hate math

OK, Today just didn't add up for me. How is it even possible for me to have been in the head space I was in this morning. and then have such an awesome day after that I'm still smiling. WHY IS THE HUMAN BRAIN SO WEIRD?!

Damn, great day once Noon hit. Wow. I really needed this. The ramen place was soooo good. Got to have good food and great company. Then, went to go hang out at one place, and ended up back at another friends house playing music for a while. Now I'm home, Titan is totally spent, and I think I'm going to treat myself to an SF night time bike ride.

Pretty sure today is the product of all the positivity ya'll have been sending me lately in the way of emails, posts here, texts, voicemails, and visits. I've never been one to hide my feelings from my friends, so ya'll already know this...but...


I fucking love you. You, the person reading this sentence right now. I couldn't be where I am mentally without you. THANK YOU!

Now... time to suit up and head out!

Very Unexpected!

Ok, so I'm supposed to be all bummed out, right? Nope! Had an interesting twist of the day.

So, around 12:30 or so, I decided to take Titan down to the dog park we have in our building. More of a dog run really. Anyway, as I was coming out, my across the hall neighbor was bringing her dog Charlie out. AWESOME! Another dog for Titan to play with. So we go down to the park and low and behold, there are two other dogs and owners down there as well.One of which was one of my neighbors that we've sort of become passing friends because he too has a pitbull. She's about 10-11 months old and her name is Elle. Titan... LOVES her. LOVE LOVE LOVES her. So he's stoked.

As the dogs are playing, I got to sit with 3 other people that aren't connected to my marriage. Well, he KINDA is because she's met him and his girlfriend several times, but I wouldn't call them one of our "couple friends", if you know what I mean. So we all sat there, and talked as people do when they are in a group setting. It felt really good to just not have to think about the events going on in my life and just "shoot the shit" with some people. The problem I've been having is, I have a lot of people that want to be there for me, but they also want to talk about what is going on. Honestly, I didn't realize that was a problem until today.

Well, after the dogs got to play for about 30-40 min the other two people left, and I was just hanging out with Elle's owner. Her and Titan were just going ape shit, and I got to have good conversation. Well, that escalated to us going over to his place and checking out his animation he's working on, and then over to my place to play some xbox. I can't even explain how awesome it was to just hang out with a guy friend, doing guy shit. Not only that, but also making a passing friendship into one that looks like it's gonna be a good friend. Best part is, he's not some douchebag from a bar or something. Him and his girlfriend are both really awesome people.

So I unexpectedly feel really positive right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still bummed about this morning, but somehow I was sent a pick-me-up that I wasn't expecting. I really hope situations like this continue to happen, and I'm sure I already know they will.

I think I might make some chili w/ mac n' cheese. Maybe i'll add some bacon or sausage to it. mmmmm, probably bacon.

C'ya!

she just left...

so she just came and took the kitty. everything of hers is now gone. i almost lost it completely. today is going to be a very depressing day. scratch that... it IS a very depressing day. tomorrow, i'll start this life with her totally out of my life, but for today i'm putting blankets on the windows and i'm gonna crawl in a corner of my head and stay there.

world, i'll see you tomorrow.

Nightmares.

So, there is this little known thing about me that I'm going to share today. This won't be comfortable, but this blog is all about being honest... so here we go.

When I experience loss in my life, I get extreme night terrors. You know how normally in a nightmare you can find a way to either wake yourself up, or somehow change the dream? yeah, I don't get that option. I'm stuck in it till the alarm goes off or my mind thinks I've had enough. When it's a death, they are totally unmanageable. i wake up crying, screaming, and scratching the shit out of myself. luckily, I've only really had to deal with that twice.

But when it's loss of a relationship, it's still pretty bad, but workable.

I woke up this morning with 3 holes torn in my sheets and pillow. While I WAS covered in sweat, I wasn't crying or screaming when I woke up, I hope. If track records are true, I've got another week or so of this coming. I won't go into detail of what the dreams are about, because they won't make sense to anyone but me, but know that they are intense and no one would want these visions in their head.


I'm not sure why I'm actually sharing this. In fact, I'm sitting here staring at this thinking I shouldn't post it.

let's try this writing thing again

Ok, yesterday was a pretty dark day. In fact, the past 3 days have been really bad. Not really making the best choices for moving forward. Someone recently said in a post here that I need to see the triggers of my drinking. I found two of them. Talking to her, and Wednesday nights. Talking to her just seems to completely destroy everything I'm trying to do. I'm not placing the blame ON her, not at all. I'm just seeing that when I talk to her, I completely lose it. I can't articulate myself anywhere close to what I had earlier planned on. I get really angry. I yell. I say really stupid shit. In fact, every time I talk to her I ruin my chances that much more of this ever being worked out. When she called me Thrusday afternoon to tell me it was absolutely over, it was probably mainly due to how I reacted to her Wednesday night.

Speaking of Wednesday nights, they are my second trigger. I get restless yet I don't really want to be around anyone. Maybe it doesn't help much that the past two Wednesday nights had bad situations happen with her, but I end up buying beer and just drinking at home. I drink and I clean this apartment. I can't believe how much I've been cleaning lately. This place is so small and there's even one less person in it now. I guess mostly I'm cleaning out all the nooks and crannies where a lot of her stuff was. Her hair is in EVERYTHING. I swear, I've cleaned up enough of her hair to weave my own life size doll of her. I guess I'm just trying to get all of her out of here, so maybe I can cut down on the amount of reminders I have of her around me.


This next week is going to be pretty tight for me monetarily. Mismanaged my money by about $80. damn it! I really need to get better at this. A much cheaper apartment would really be helpful. I work tomorrow so I'm sure I'll make enough tips to cover my ass and get back in the positive. I need to work out a budget for ONLY ME for the first time ever. This is weird.

Alrighty then. I think this was a bit more therapeutic than last nights post. 

downward spiral

it hasn't been a very good couple of days. the talk a wednesday night went horribly. then, she called me yesterday to finally say she didn't want to ever be with me again, i think i got maybe a few of her sentences in before i just hung up and went numb.

it's really set in now. this is over. there is no hope. she is gone, and life will have to be different now.

i'm really not ok with this. even tho all we do is fight when we're around eachother, i just want her home.


i don't have anymore words for today.

it's been a while...

So it's been about 3 days or so since I last blogged. I guess i needed some time to think about stuff, rather than write about it. last week was pretty rough for me. It's proving to be really difficult to have so much alone time. I've always been a person who could spend a LOT of time all by myself, but I always had someone to go home to, even if it was a roommate and not a person I was in a relationship with. Titan and Deliliah are awesome pets, but not very good humans. I find myself trying to tell her things all the time, like she's sitting behind me or in the kitchen or something. I get about 2 1/2 words into it before it kicks in. Being alone is... well.... lonely. I could fix that by calling a friend and going to hang out or something. Problem is, I'm not really in the mood to hang out with anyone. Kinda weird right? Super lonely, but I don't wanna go hang out. Pretty retarded.

I'll admit that my not drinking thing has been on shaky ground. Last weeks mess-up actually ended up lasting 3 days. I'm back on, but I think I'm gonna put less stress on counting days. I think I need to take the "one day at a time" thing a lot more literal. "I didn't drink today, I don't care about yesterday, I have no clue about tomorrow." Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. I know that the feeling like I "HAVE" to go to AA meetings makes me not wanna go. I've always been like that, tell me to do something, and I won't wanna. Tell me NOT to do something, and I'll do it 50 times or more. I do know, that I WANT to go to one specific meeting. Last week I didn't go because I decided to drink that night (yes, writing that out made me feel fucking stupid). Tomorrow is a huge possibility, but I'm supposed to talk to her tomorrow night so we'll see how that goes.

Speaking of tomorrow night, I can say I'm not very optimistic. Every conversation with her drives the nail into my heart and through my soul deeper and deeper. I expect tomorrow to be more of the same. For some reason I feel the need to punish myself. Actually, that reason is that I'm not as ready to give up on this as she seems to be. Maybe it's because I've already been through a divorce before and I know how this shit can make you feel for years and years to come. Maybe it's because I'm still very much in love with her, regardless of what has happened.

Work is really my saving grace right now. Man, I have some amazing co-workers, THAT is for sure. I've also been getting to do piercings that I haven't done in YEARS. SO awesome. Being sober is also great for my "Grumpy Gary" factor that sets in every so often. I'm sure my clients are happy about it.


Ok, I'm shutting up for a bit.

i hate the new scenes in the old star wars movies...

Today was pretty uneventful other than hanging out with a friend of mine this morning. I pretty much just sat in the house after an hour bike ride.One thing I'm noticing about my days off right now...no drinking and no wife makes for very long days. Maybe it's just because I'm in my own head too much right now. I walked/ran Titan so much yesterday that he didn't wanna get up at all today. I guess I'm ok with that.

I was gonna go to the movies tonight. then I thought about how lame it would feel to go alone. I was able to do that when I was younger, not so comfortable now.

I don't really know what else to say right now. I feel like I need to write, but nothing is really coming out.maybe more later.

Apparently sleep isn't gonna happen...

i can't sleep, and my mind is racing. this post is just gonna be random thoughts.

It's pissing me off  on how fast this is all happening. she tells me it's over, she's gone, then her stuff is gone, then me reorganize things, and then it's just done... like that. i tried to get her removed off my bank account today and holy SHIT is that gonna be a problem. i'm gonna have to dissolve the current account, setup a new one, and then reattach all the things from my old account to it.

WHY IS IT EASIER FOR HER TO LEAVE ME THAN FOR ME TO CHANGE A BANK ACCOUNT?!??!

what the fuck? i guess the "paperwork" of the past 7 years is just gonna be the jagged knife digging into my side for the next few years.

I guess I really can't complain that much. I got to be married to easily the hottest woman I've ever seen, and whom was one of the most amazing people I've ever talked to.; She came equipped with an amazing family. I can't tell you how sad I am that I no longer have her mom in my life. for a few years there, she actually made the absence of my own mother not as bad. I actually called her "Mom". the last time I talked to her was on Mothers Day. how fitting. I feel like I'll never get to talk to her again.

here i am again...

So here I am... in basically the same spot she found me in...which is where the previous found me in... and so forth.

I've been getting the question... "do you think she just needs time, or is it really over?"

The problem with that question is that she gave me so much time to make it better, and I guess I just didn't make it happen. So, no... she doesn't need time... she doesn't wanna work it out. in fact, she doesn't even wanna be around me at this point.

If you're reading this, please stop asking that question.

***

I keep starting sentences...out loud... thinking i'm talking to her. i get a few words into the sentence before i catch myself.. every time I do it I look around and this studio apt looks like it's a huge mansion. I feel like I'm in this huge empty space. then everything shrinks around me and I feel like I'm the only person in this world.

she's supposed to be here. she's supposed to be holding me when i feel like this.

...but she's not. she left.


and this is how I'm left to feel and deal with it.

yeah,,, I'm this hurt to ask this... why does everyone either leave me or die? what is it about me that i can't keep anyone close to me for a length of time? why is it i get to constantly deal with loss or rejection?


So here I am... 36 years old. working on my second divorce before I'm even 40. obviously my idea of love an marriage isn't up to par with todays standards. gonna have to work on that. highly doubt I'll get married again, but I said that all the way leading up to meeting her, so I guess I shouldn't say that.

whatever, I'm going to bed.

(Kheri.... it's really hard to keep capitalizing I and I'm and what not, but I keep doing it. thank you for pointing that out.)

i just wanna say that i'm super stoked to have you all as my friends. your comments lately are really keeping me going.

no really...thank you.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

feeling like shit this morning... why?


yesterday i was supposed to go to work, get off work, come home, deal with her being completely gone, and then go to my new AA meeting.

what did i do instead?

i got off work, came home, saw the emptiness, grabbed Titan to go outside to pee, and ended up buying a 12 pack and coming back home. i then devoured said 12 pack as i reorganized the apartment.

i should be saying "21 days, 3 weeks BEOTCH!", but instead i get to say "gary, you're fucking weak".


yesterday i really hit a wall with all of this. to be honest, i was fucking PISSED all day. the anger about all this really set in. i knew i was in trouble about halfway through the day when i said to a coworker, "i just really don't feel like going to my AA meeting tonight". i guess if i had a sponsor that would have been when i would have called them and told them i was being weak, and they would have had some awesome words for me to make me not wanna drink. fact of the matter is, i have several people i could have called yesterday. i don't need AA to not drink, I don't need a sponsor to not drink. I need to keep the NEED to not drink in my face. last night wasn't a night for that. today is... the day before was... but last night was NOT.

so am i pissed at myself, you bet your ass. am i headed out to the bar for a 3 day binger since i don't work? no. am i buying a 12 pack and doing it again today? no. am i gonna move on like it didn't happen, meh... not so much. gonna move on...but i'm also going to realize that this is just part of my healing process.

i expect some flack about this. believe me tho.... my first hangover in 21 days is punishing me pretty good.


so today, i continue to make this apartment less her and more me.and it's now Day 1 again.

TGIF

Not only is today Wave 3 of her leaving, it's also my friday. TGIF, I need some days off. especially after what I'll get to come home to tonight. I've got that meeting to go try out, so hopefully it helps me get outta my head on THIS subject for an hour, so I can focus on my other shit.

I've come to the conclusion that I no longer want to get back together with her, or at least that's how I feel this morning. this is subject to change.I feel like even if she came back, I'd always be walking on eggshells wondering if I said the wrong thing, will she up and leave again? will I come home to an empty house one day? It's obvious that it's easy for her to leave, so it'll be easier to leave next time. sure, she says this isn't easy for her, but actions speak louder than words. My actions over the years with her spoke louder that my words, so I guess it's Karma for me.

oh, and the vindictive male ego in me is turning her makeup/dressing room nook into my bike room. It's not a garage or a work shed, but it'll work as a "man cave" just as well. I'm calling this "therapy".

I've started making plans with friends to hang out. I need to get out of this house. Mostly, I need to get out of my head. Probably gonna hang with a friend tomorrow night to watch the Giants game and work on my road bike. the friday morning it's biking to a coffee shop with another friend to have some good conversation. no plans for saturday yet, but I think a beach trip is in order for Titan and I so that might go down.

Speaking of Titan... he hates all of this. Deliliah doesn't seem to really mind. (oh,did I mention that she's going to be staying with me for a few more months?)  I need to find someone I trust to come to my apartment during my work days to let him out for 15-20 min or so. I've been at the park with him almost twice a day, every day lately... but with all the bad vibes around, he needs more.

I suppose I should get in the shower and get my day going. I love the people I work with, but I just want the day to be over so I can get my weekend going so I can do some healing.

the duct tape hasn't drawn blood yet

not a whole lot to say this morning. I organized a bunch of stuff last night so the apartment looks different as I wake up.shes gonna come take more stuff today, so It'll look different again when I get off work. Probably gonna have more organizing to do.

I'm trying to make plans with people and actually keep them. I need to not shut everyone out. Hopefully my new AA meeting tomorrow night will introduce me to new people that I'll wanna hang out with. It might take me a while to not be such a flake, but it's on the "to do" list so we'll see what happens.

If you're in SF today, feel free to come see me at work. Random visits feel great.

sleeping is rather weird now.

so you'd think I'd be super tired right now. I'm not. Took Titan to the park and ran him for almost an hour. he's passed the fuck out. I'm staring at empty spaces on the walls still.

I organized the bookshelf. She seems to have taken most of her books. I found 3 that were hers that she left. Pretty sure she wants them. Looking at the bookshelf with only my books in it is a fun sight...kinda. I love that I can fill up almost an entire bookshelf with books I've read. I do hate the gaps made by taking her books out tho.

I changed the sheets. The last bit of her vanilla scent is probably gonna go with that. I keep sweeping...and finding her hair. Eventually, I won't find her hair all over the place anymore. Not sure how I feel about that. I always bitched about finding her hair everywhere, now it makes me kind of smile when it pops up.


Right before I go to bed, and just as I wake up is the worst. It's when I think of her the most. Here I am about to go to bed, and all I get to look forward to is waking up.  here we go...


thanks again for listening... you are the friends I really need.

more blank space on the walls to stare at.

I came home to wave 1 of 3 of her stuff being moved out. the walls are a bit more bare, her little makeup nook looks a lot emptier, and it no longer smells like her vanilla anymore. I don't even know what to say about it right now. I suppose there isn't really anything that CAN be said at this point. I'm the one who decided to not change for the better when I had the chances to do it, so I basically set myself up for this. I guess all I can really do is make sure I don't do this to myself, or anyone else, again.

Work seems to be just "going by" right now. Not really the best thing but I'm sure things will perk up for me as time progresses. I guess all I really need is that one awesome customer that comes in and just makes for an awesome experience. I'm being nice and I'm putting on my smile. Luckily I work with some of the most awesome people in my industry so I'm well taken care of there.


I'd like to also bring one more thing up before I take this dog of mine to the park. I've started getting a lot of emails/texts from all of you and I must say they make me feel great as I'm reading them. Thank you so much for taking the time out to do that. Now, that said... I haven't responded to any of them. For some reason, I just can't. I know that isn't a very good way to keep the awesome friends I have, but I'm not doing it because I'm a dick. I'm doing it because this blog is really the only way I can get the stuff out that I need to. Can't really explain why until I understand it better myself. I'm pretty conflicted right now. I want someone to come be with me so I'm not so lonely, but I don't want anyone around me. I want to call someone, or be called by someone so I can talk, but i don't want to talk, especially on the phone. I want to get out of this apartment, but when I leave all I wanna do is hurry back. Maybe I'll have a night where I just respond to them all at once. Maybe I won't. Either way, I love getting them and please know that they ARE doing good.

OK, I'm gonna shut up for a bit.

and so it begins...

today isn't good. she's at the apartment right now packing her stuff. got it reaffirmed to me that there is nothing that can be done to try to work things out.  while it's the top story on my list of things going through my head today, I can't seem to want to write about it right now. probably after work.

today is 18 days. I wish I could say I care, but I really don't. I'm supposed to be super focused on being sober... I'm totally not. I'm head deep in dealing with her leaving. maybe once she's fully moved out I'll be able to focus more. I think I need another long ass bike ride.

Wednesday night i start going to these AA meetings I heard about from a good friend. I think these meetings might be more up my ally. we'll see. the praying, hand holding, and chanting shit together really bugs me. the stories people talk about are what helps, so I guess I'll deal with the religious bullshit to get to the good stuff.

I guess i better get in the work mindset.

Oddity

so, how weird is it that i asked her to marry me the night of a lunar eclipse, and the week she's moving out of my life there is a solar eclipse?

BIRD SHIT!

so far, today isn't a great day. slept horrible, had nightmares, got shit on by a bird as soon as i left the apt, and it's bay to breakers today. awesome. drunk asshole in a costume day.

i took the gamble and called her this morning. needed to hear her voice, even if it was an angry voice. luckily it wasn't and we had a good phone call. she starts moving tomorrow...begin "Operation Duct Tape Bandaid Pull" now.

time to get in the shower, and wash this morning funk off me, then it's off to work. hopefully i remember to go get a new keyboard after work because slamming this spacebar over and over or editing my runon words is really annoying. besides, it makes writing smoothly really hard.fucking cat. just HAD to break it didn't you?

The Skinny Of It All...

so, if you're reading this, i can only assume you're here from Facebook. a lot of you will remember back in the myspace days that i used to blog fairly regularly. a lot of you seemed to really like it. i know i sure did. it was a great way to get out a lot of things in my head. some for recent event at the time, some for things i've been dealing with my whole life. i guess i use blogs in a way people use a diary. i'm gonna be brutally honest, but sometimes super vague.

"Well why not just get Diary instead of airing all your personal shit to the internet?" - Random Friend

thank you for asking. the answer is...well... i don't know. maybe i feel like once i get my issues out in such a public way, they are OUT. no more keeping it in and dwelling on it. people know, and sometimes they'll ask about it. sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.

now, i'm not here to talk about anyone else's life. while there is going to be a lot of talk about one person specifically, i will not be trying to give details on her life other than how it pertains to my life directly. i ask that in the comments section that everyone refrain from asking about details only she'd have answers to.


"So what the fuck happened, Gary? Sounds like you two split up." - Random Friend


you are quick to the meaty questions, aren't you? well, you guessed it right. obviously, i don't want this to be happening(neither does she for that matter, but...), BUT i had plenty of chances over the years to change the things in me that was causing this marriage the problems it had. she's put up with so much over the years and it's pretty fucking bad that it took something this drastic for me to see how bad it had gotten for her.


"...ok....What was the deal? what were you doing so bad?"  - Random Friend


do you even know me? obviously it was my drinking. every relationship i've ever been in has ended because of my drinking, or the things i do while drinking. every last one (prove me wrong ex's....prove me wrong!) if it wasn't my drinking, it was the selfish things in me that generally come with a drinker. she is an amazing woman and im still very much in love with her, but i've hurt her in ways that i guess i can't repair.

so this brings me to the other thing going on in my life that everyone is asking about. yes, i've stopped drinking. now, i know she's not coming back. i see it in her eyes, in the way she says things to me. so i'm not doing this to try to win her back. no, i've got a few other reasons to not drink, especially right now. my drinking has escalated to a point where i blackout pretty easily. sometimes, i won't even have had that many beers and the next day i won't remember anything from the night before. if i do, it's bits and pieces. pretty damn scary, right? add in what just happened in my life, and you've got a recipe for jail. simply put, i just can't drink at all right now and expect to live a normal life.

as of today i've not had a drink in 16 days. i must say, it's pretty damn weird, but only when i pay attention to it. to be completely honest, i'm not paying as close attention to my recovery as i am to my marriage falling apart. i feel like my not drinking is mainly due to autopilot and a desire to not go to jail. i'm so focused on her leaving and what i have to do in this to even give thought to drinking or not drinking.i'm sure this will kick me in the ass at some point, because i know i need to focus on my new beginning and not the end of something else.easier said than done, right? 


"Well then, what are you going to do? - Random Friend


as of right now, Titan and I will be staying at the apartment and she and the kitty are moving out this week.she'll be moving out over the course of a few days so it should be like tearing off a bandaid made of duct tape as slow as possible. if all goes as she plans, come wednesday i will be living alone. i will wake up in the mornings and take titan out. i'll clean something around the house.maybe i'll try learning to cook better.i'll go to work, and i'll do my best to not bring my life with me.(havn't been so good at that lately). i'm gonna go to more AA meetings. i'm going to try to let my friends in a bit more, as i'm gonna need them. but mainly, i guess i'm just gonna try to do the Next Right Thing (hi michelle).


so there ya go.a great example of what my blog is gonna be like. enjoy.

First Entry

Well, here we go. My blog page. i guess this is where i'm going to be venting about life and whatnot.